There are so many resources out there about the signs and symptoms of depression. Unfortunately, many of these sites are pharmaceutical companies looking to advertise their particular brand of antidepressant. Either that, or you can find websites like WebMd, with cold, impersonal symptom checklists.
If you're like me, you'd much rather read about a first-hand account from someone who's been there. Since I'm just recently starting to climb out of that hole, here is my account on what it's like and how I felt being depressed.
I only had energy for the bare minimum. Which meant that I could keep the house clean on the surface anyway, although the beds mostly went unmade, and areas not immediately visible (think closets) fell by the wayside. Home cooked meals? Forget it. I neither had the creativity nor the desire to try new meals or figure out weekly meal plans. Dinners were often what I could whip up at the last minute or I relied on my husband to cook or at least tell me what to make.
I went through the motions of taking care of the kids. They were fed, dressed, clean, and yes, even loved, cuddled, read to, played with, etc, but only because even in my worst funk I forced myself to be present for them, if only for them, because I know what it's like to have a depressed parent. I hope to God if I fooled no one else, I was able to pretend well enough so that they'll never remember their mom the way I remember mine.
As for physically, no matter how much or how little sleep I got, I was always physically and emotionally exhausted. Yawning all the time, sluggish, sleepy, inability to concentrate... it was all I could do to make it to my youngest's nap time, at which time the TV would go on for my oldest and I'd doze on the couch for an hour or two. Yet by the time bedtime came around, I'd lie awake, restless and uncomfortable, so exhausted yet unable to settle down and sleep.
I always had aches and pains, especially my lower back, my upper back and neck and severe headaches. Appetite was non-existent. I only ate to fill my stomach, and only ate things that took little to no preparation - such as cereal, crackers, chips and other junk. I never felt quite right and always thought that there must be something really wrong with me.
Concentration, memory and motivation fall by the wayside when it's all that you can do to keep your eyes open long enough to get the kids to and from school and the house reasonably taken care of. I'd constantly forget appointments, cancel plans with friends, pay bills late, or have to re-wash loads of laundry that sat too long in the washer.
For me, at least, depression didn't mean crying all the time or feeling sad. Instead, I was always on edge, had a serious lack of patience, and was very irritable. What little patience I maintained was reserved for my kids, and God bless my poor husband who took the brunt of my irritability.
I just wanted to be left alone. I often fantasized about hopping in the car and just driving someplace far far away where no one would know me and I could just sort of blend in with the scenery.
In writing this, I'm realizing that although I've come a long way since my "depths of despair" days, I still have a long way to go towards feeling healthy. I'm making progress, sure, but I can't wait for the day when I can go the whole day without feeling like I need a nap, or actually eating to enjoy my food instead of eating because I have to to survive. I can't wait to be able to get things done without literally forcing myself to get up off the couch and away from the computer. And it'll be nice to go a whole day pain-free.
"For me, at least, depression didn't mean crying all the time or feeling sad. Instead, I was always on edge, had a serious lack of patience, and was very irritable. What little patience I maintained was reserved for my kids, and God bless my poor husband who took the brunt of my irritability."
ReplyDeleteMany people think that being depressed is all about crying and being sad. Depression has caused me to go into a catatonic state where I could not cry, move, laugh, talk...severe apathy. Not to say that I was never able to cry: I've cried for days straight and nights as well. Severe self-loathing and guilt are also among the many discomforts of depression for me. I went through a three month period depressive breakdown and ended up undergoing electro0shock therapy. I have no recollection of those three months and my memory has been compromised as a result. I am glad to know others that understand. There is so much misunderstanding and stereotyping that is wrapped up in the common idea people have about it-who have never experienced it intensely to the point where they are debilitated. I am on disability and I am on med trial because I have been med-resistant: I do not want anymore shock therapy. I hope to be stabilized one day. I am so tired. Tired from all the hardship of mental illness. I am a fighter though and remain strong. I have bipolar 1 with major depression, anxiety, OCD, and borderline personality. I am also an addict. It is a struggle. I got all the good genes! Thank you for subscribing to my blog. xo-Stacy
http://iamscatology.blogspot.com/2009/10/on-major-depression.html
It's the first time I encountered a blog about depression that does not entail crying and extreme sadness. I agree with Osun that emotional problems can also be like a catatonic stage in one's life. In your case, you seem to be quite a strong woman because you're able to function well as a mother to your kids. But, you know that there's something wrong when you interact with your husband and other people outside your family. I think your type of depression is more difficult because it's like having a pent up aggression or grief inside you that you cannot fully take out of your system. It wouldn't help you either if you would just exhaust all your irritation on your husband. If possible, it would be better if you can share your thoughts with him.
ReplyDeleteI know this is something very personal to you and, as much as possible, you want to deal with it alone. However, I feel that your problem would be better addressed with the help of a psychologist like Dr. Robert A Moss. The depression that you feel may be different from the rest, nonetheless, solving it requires a deeper self understanding to know the sources of the pain that your feeling and the possible ways that you can overcome them.