Questions of the day

I think this is going to be another one of those stream-of-consciousness (or as classy-me likes to call it, "verbal-diarrhea") posts. Lots of stuff rumbling around up there in this head-o-mine this morning. Let's see if I can sort it out by writing it out:

Firstly, I know the other day I said that I can't get my hands off of self-help books. Normally, this is a good thing, especially when I'm reading something that my therapist suggested to me. However, me thinks maybe that I should stick to books that my therapist suggests from now on. The book I'm currently reading is really confusing me, or at least bringing up some questions in my mind about my intimacy "issues." I don't know though, maybe that's a good thing??

You see... sometimes I'm not sure if my issues around sex and intimacy are related to the "abuse" (inappropriate relationship, whatever I want to call it this week), or to the fact that as much as my mother tried when I was small, she was severely depressed herself, and often times emotionally unavailable. Her love was conditional. I never knew what was going to set her off, so I was constantly trying to please her and failing. That being said, this book I'm reading this week alludes to the fact that this sort of thing can lead to, "discomfort with connection and intimacy. If you are detached you can't be abandoned." The author's theory is that if you've never experienced real love as a child, you learn not to trust or believe in it. And if you keep your distance emotionally, you can't get hurt.

Then again, later in the book, in another case study involving a woman who was molested as a child, the therapist says,

When you were molested as a child your emotional boundaries were invaded. There was negative intimacy where you submitted which was not your choice or desire. A child is not ready for any kind of intimate sexual experience. You were left with some control and intimacy issues. Sex became connected with being in control of the situation, the one who decides. Because of the lack of trust or support in your family, intimacy is also affected. There is a difference between submission and surrender. Submission is no choice event and surrender to love and intimacy is a choice based on positive feelings.

Okay, re-reading and re-visiting these two theories has helped me make sense of them and I can already see that the second theory is more on par with my situation. I think that sometimes I try to down play in my own mind what happened and try to find other reasons why I am who I am and act the way I do. If it's less severe in my mind, I feel better about the fact that I really have no animosity towards my "abuser" (just the fact that I have to put that word in quotes speaks volumes, doesn't it?), or at least the person he is today. I have trouble even connecting that person with the person he was in my past.

And now that my husband knows, it's suddenly become very strange to me that I can disconnect that "past" person from the "present" person. Is it simply a coping strategy since I have to see this person from time to time? Probably. And is it a coping strategy to make less of the "abuse" and try to find other reasons for my issues? Most likely.

But I have to remind myself that no one theory applies here. Nothing is cut and dry like that. The person I am today is a sum total of all the pieces that made up my past. There can't be any easy answers to the questions I have. Maybe that's the biggest lesson I have to learn.

I just re-read that jumble and have come to the conclusion that there is no conclusion to this post. I guess that's the point of stream-of-consciousness writing - that you can start off in one direction and end in a completely different one. I'll just leave it at that, and refuse to apologize, because that's what I intended this blog for, after all. Until next time,

Fin. ;)