Our session was a little of this and a little of that today. We talked about viewing treating depression as treating an illness, and the strong possibility that I could suffer from depression on and off for the rest of my life. And that I don't think I want to ever come off the medication.
That discussion led to me describing a bit more of my childhood. I told her about how I was depressed as a child, was very shy, didn't stand up for myself and was therefore a perfect target for bullying. I told her that I can't really remember a time when I didn't suffer from depression, from worry, from guilt and from loneliness. The fact that I had an emotionally distant and limited set of parents made it very easy for me to fall into the abuse, because I craved love and got it where I could. I still struggle with the idea that I got something out of that relationship, however perverse it was.
We talked about how I don't feel anger towards "HIM" (I think it'd be easier for us all if I just called him that from now on). How I almost feel compassion, in a way, because he's another person who was probably very lonely and confused. And how all the signs (and there are some really significant warning bells when I think back on it) point to the fact that he was abused (whether by another family member, or priest, or what, it doesn't really matter), and was most likely just really confused and acting out towards me because of it. I never mentioned this before, but "HE" is actually not much older than me. Maybe that's why I have such a hard time calling it abuse... I don't know.
We talked about whether or not I could ever talk to HIM about what happened between us. She said that if I could ever get to the point where I'm not expecting any outcome out of it, and can address the situation just to clear the air, not expect some grand apology or even for him to admit it, then would be the time. And that time may never come.
This is a very personal process and I have to do things when they feel right, not according to some timetable specified by anyone.
It is not the amount of abuse one must deal with, but the amount of pain it causes within the soul that one must overcome. Some people are able to overcome great degrees of pain and sorrow, while others need more time to heal from what might seem like lesser pain. Time helps. Prayer helps. And knowing that someone else struggles with similar heartache can help, too. Try to concentrate on healing and don't worry about the person who caused so much heartache. He may never feel remorse, but you only need to worry about how you react. Hang in there.
ReplyDelete~ Yaya
Yaya's Changing World
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