My appointment was this morning. I don't have a whole lot of time because I have to go pick the kids up but I felt like I really needed to at least stop at home and jot down some things I'm feeling after today's meeting:
Vulnerable
Raw
Sad
Hopeless
Unloved
We talked a lot about my family today. It was hard. It's like, just when I think I'm starting to make progress, an old wound gets opened up and all of these feelings I thought I had supressed start coming out. Describing my family dymanics when I was growing up brought all those old feelings to the surface:
I want to know why they don't love me? Why was I never good enough? I tried so hard to be perfect and was never quite good enough. And now I'm realizing that all those years of losing myself, of trying so hard to please them, were just wasted. They're never going to love me. How can anyone love me? It feels like everytime I do something that I finally think is good, that I've finally succeeded in pleasing someone, anyone, I always fall just a little short. It's never quite good enough or they expect more.
I don't have anymore to give. I don't want to give anymore. I want someone to give to me. I feel so alone sometimes. I feel so tired of trying right now. When is who I am going to be enough?
I'm never going to be enough. That's how I'm feeling right now, at this very second.
And ironically enough, I lost a follower today. *sigh*
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like your husband is someone who IS trying to give to you. You said yourself that he's been helping you out with the kids and the housework. Yet you spend all this time and thought and energy stressing about family members who don't seem to love you in the way that they should. I'd ask why, but I already know: I've done exactly the same thing. Even before my husband and I married, his family treated me better than my own. Still does. I finally just had to say "screw it" and focus on the people who needed me and cared about me. It was totally worth it. Do I still get angry? Yes. But I don't let that anger blind me to what I already have: the love of a devoted husband and son.
ReplyDeleteApril, my brain knows what you say is true, but my heart and my gut instinct torture me with thoughts that no one really loves me. I know it's completely irrational, and I really wish I knew how to silence those feelings... I guess I'm still mourning the family and the parents I'll never have.
ReplyDeleteBringing back memories from the past, especially the painful ones, can really leave you feeling drained and alone. My sister had therapies with Dr. Robert A Moss. There had been times that she goes home feeling really down, and whenever I ask her she would tell me that they talked about the things that she prefer not to remember. But the thing is, emotional problems can be caused by 'issues' in the past that we have been trying to escape.
ReplyDeleteI know facing it would be very difficult but you have to be strong for it. Nobody said that treatment would be easy. But after dealing with that, you would be relieved because you've finally let go of that emotional baggage that's been with you for a long time. You would be surprised by the improvement even with your present relationships.
My sister has been gradually recovering from her own depression after series of therapies with Dr. Moss. Good luck with your treatment too. Hoping for the best for you.