Surprise Surprise

Well there's a big surprise.  You know how I've been going back and forth via email with my parents? I told them that I'd be willing to do a joint session with my therapist regarding everything going on and at first they said that they'd absolutely do it.  Exactly one week later I got another email from my Dad saying that they changed their minds, that they're my parents and that they should be able to speak to me alone about "my issues" and that they don't need a third party present.  I can't do that. No, I'm sorry, I won't do that.  By refusing to have a "third party" they're making it seem like it's me against them, two against one.  And I know myself well enough to know exactly what would happen if that was the scenario.  They'd tell me why I'm wrong/mistaken/misunderstanding and I'd be reduced to tears and frustration that I can't get my points across. So I told them that, and said that when they're ready for me to make an appointment, let me know.

All I know is that I'm sick and tired of this back and forth via email.  How cowardly can you get? And yes, I'm including myself in that accusation.  And I'm also really worried about my relationship with my younger brother, who is currently the only one in my family I'm on speaking terms with.  Sooner or later he's going to cave to the pressure and I think that he'll choose their "side." 

My mood, motivation and energy levels are back down.  I've resorted to taking two clonopin at night to get me to sleep and sleep all night. Technically my prescription says I can take "one to two per day," but I'm thinking I'm cheating by taking two at the same time.  And that bothers me because my therapist warned me that clonopin can be addicting.  But the 80mg of Prozac makes me really restless, and I still haven't found a new psychiatrist yet, so I don't know what the hell to do. 

So in essence, I've been trying to keep myself insanely busy so that I literally want to drop into bed exhausted at night and not think too much.

As for my relationship with my husband... well, the intimacy issues are still there and we're both becoming fed up with that.  I've been trying to be more accommodating towards him and trying to see things from his perspective.  He also returned to weekly therapy after our joint session a few weeks ago, because his therapist said that he needs help coping, too.

In the meantime, I'm reminding my kids every single day that I love them so much and that nothing can ever change that.  I'm teaching them that it's more than okay to love yourself and that they are lovable people.  And I'm heaping on the positive reinforcement. I don't want my kids to grow up self-critical and feeling unlovable.