Thoughtful Thursday

Let's see... we talked a lot about my recent diagnosis and how I'm having trouble wrapping my brain around it because that means that I have something psychologically in common with my mother and that, as I'm sure you've guessed, scares me.  So my therapist helped me to realize that yes, we have something biochemically in common,  but that there is also a big difference between my diagnosis and her (theoretical) one.  Where she has manic tendencies, I have hypomanic ones, and there's a huge difference there. We discussed some of my symptoms (irritability, never having a "stable" mood, always feeling one extreme or the other, my dependence on caffeine, the way I feel when I drink alcohol... all of these things point to the bipolar II diagnosis.  We discussed that the diagnosis (if indeed I've finally reached an accurate one) is both a relief and depressing - a relief that I could finally figure out exactly what's wrong with me and treat it, and depressing that this is nothing that's temporary, and it's not going to go away on it's own or by sheer force of will. 

She also gave me two names for marriage therapists that she and my husband's therapist strongly recommend.  She said either one would be a good fit for both of our personalities and help us to figure out this "new marriage" that we've grown into over the past year.  I'm not the same person I used to be, but I haven't quite figured out who this new person is, and I don't think my husband quite knows either.  So I keep reminding myself that marriage counseling isn't a sign of weakness after 9 years of marriage; it's not a "last resort," it's more like a new beginning of sorts.  We're going to (hopefully) learn how to have a real marriage, and real communication, instead of the skirting around the issues mentality we've had for the past decade.  I think (and hopefully my husband agrees) that this is a step forward for us.  Not to say that the thought of this therapy doesn't scare the crap out of me, but I think that I'm ready for it. I hope I am.