I need to remind myself of these when I'm feeling impatient or being hard on myself for not changing fast enough.
(Speaking of change, that just got me thinking. "Change." I thought people couldn't change who they are? The more I think about it though, I realize that you can't change who you are inherently - as in, I can't change my sensitive nature, my shyness, my love of my kids and my husband. - but what I can change are the surface traits, like being able to use my voice, set boundaries, be honest with people and so on.
Anyway, back to the subject at hand: positive changes:
- I'm finding my voice. I'm finding it easier and easier to voice concerns, wants and needs. When I want or need something/from someone, I'm asking for it. I'm not as afraid to make a phone call (which is huge for me). When I mean no, I say no (also huge), without beating around the bush or avoiding the problem. Granted, this is definitely a work in progress; a lot of times I literally have to force the words out of my mouth, but the more I do it, the easier it is. Practice makes perfect, fake it 'till you make it, right?
- I'm more open to change. I'm willing to try new techniques in my relationships. I'm letting go of old habits in terms of communication and dealing with every day life. I never realized how change-averse I am. Knowing is half the battle, as GI Joe's PSA once said, and just being aware about my control issues is helping me to let go of them.
- Relationships. My therapist is helping me to see that I never had healthy relationships modeled to me growing up. My mom was depressed, my dad is very much a home-body, self-conscious and shy, so it was very rare for me to see healthy friendships modeled. And since my mom was depressed, I never saw a healthy marriage or interaction with her children modeled. Not to mention the fact that I looked for love wherever I could, leading to the inappropriate relationship/molestation/abuse/incest/whatever-we're-calling-it-this week. But for the intents of this post, by "relationships," I mean that I'm starting to realize how valuable it is to have good friends, to have healthy boundaries and to surround myself with people who like me for who I am. Also, I shouldn't be so hard on myself when I blunder in a relationship because for me, navigating around one is like fumbling around in the dark looking for the light switch. I'm just starting to figure this out and I need to cut myself some slack.
- Black, White and Shades of Gray. My parents and others close to me are very much black and white when it comes to life. I can't blame them, because until recently, I thought/acted the same way. I'm just starting to realize that life isn't black and white. Ever. Things and people aren't always all good or all bad. People don't change who they are, automatically, over night. There are seldom miracle cures when it come to habits that have been ingrained for years. I don't have to pick one way or the other. There are many shades of gray, many choices in between available to me. There are many different roads to recovery, to finding myself, to growth. And I need to remind myself to be patient, that major change takes time, a lot of hard work, and expect that there will be some setbacks along the way.
I just wanted to say, your posts just keep getting better and better. It's so refreshing and encouraging to see someone who is honest and eloquent about her personal struggles.
ReplyDeleteI also wanted to make a comment about the abuse in your childhood. I realize I know hardly any details, but as I have experienced something similar, I wanted to give my insight.
Don't feel like you have to justify the abuse. Mentally, I've done this many times, telling myself "Well, my abuser just had a moment of weakness; he didn't really mean to touch me; he saw me as something/someone else." The fact remains, though, that my abuser knew better. He was the mature, responsible party. What he did was, even if ignorant, totally selfish. As family, he was supposed to protect me. Instead, he took advantage of my vulnerability and trust.
It's complicated for me, too. I don't go as far as to call it an "inappropriate relationship," but I've cycled through all the other terms many times. What I'm trying to say is, it doesn't matter how you feel about the situation from week to week. There's no rubber-stamped consensus on the appropriate emotional response to have to this type of situation (no matter what books or therapists may say). Just know that, in this case, you don't have to feel responsible for the abuse you suffered, because you're NOT responsible. You were too young to know better. I hope this helps.
Hi, I'm your newest GFC follower from MBC, I hope you'll take a moment to follow me too at Mom of all Trades!
ReplyDeleteApril, thank you so much. I'm humbled, since your's is one of the best "real" blogs I've read. I know you're right about justifying and/or labeling the abuse... it's definitely something I'm working on.
ReplyDelete