An Epiphany... of sorts

This morning I had a revelation.  In the past, if I had to ask for something that was, by right, mine, I'd still feel incredible guilt in asking for it.  Today, without going into any detail in order to protect my identity, I had to be assertive and ask for something.  It's a thing I've been waiting for about a month now, and it's something that's by all rights mine.   I earned it.  And it's being withheld from me for whatever reason. And you know what? As a matter of fact, I think it's a boundary violation as well, because they are essentially trying to walk all over me.

I've been making excuses for these people for almost 3 weeks now, and everyone was telling me I needed to do something about it, but even the thought of asking for it was making me anxious and, yes, I'm ashamed to admit, guilty.  I figured there was some mistake, that I was being silly, that I should give them more time, etc. The reasons went on and on.

And I complained about it. A lot.  This is something I do all the time.  I get burnt by someone, then complain to anyone who'll listen, but I won't do anything about it.  It must drive my family and friends crazy.

But then, this morning, I realized something.  The disorganization and lack of foresight of these people is not my fault. There's no reason to feel guilty or silly for something that has nothing to do with me.  This is their mistake, not mine.  I should have a modicum of self-respect and stop letting them take advantage of me. Doesn't mean that the anxiety over being assertive wasn't there, but at least I don't feel guilty about it.  So without putting it off any longer I forced myself to sit down and draft an email and then send it out.  I felt the fear and did it anyway.  That's a very empowering thing.  Because the longer I put it off, the more terrifying and horrible it felt in my mind.

I don't know what's going to happen next, but I can bet that whatever the outcome is will be better than complaining about it on the outside, yet all the while beating myself up on the inside, just like I've done in the past, for simply sitting there and taking it. 

Feel the Fear . . . and Do It Anyway