I am afraid to show you who I really am, because if I show you who I really am, you might not like it--and that's all I got. ~Sabrina Ward Harrison
I'm pretty sure that the new medication and doses are starting to do the trick in terms of my moods, but what I've noticed since I've "evened out" is that although I'm not depressed (or without the "highs"), I still feel pretty crappy about myself. I still feel worthless and my self-esteem is still shot. I don't even know what it's like to feel confident or good about myself (the only times I did feel really good about myself, I was most likely in a hypomanic episode, in hindsight).
I have these arguments in my head - I know that I do have strong qualities and people do love me for who I am, but the person inside my head has me convinced that they're all wrong and mistaken. I know who I am, and still feel like I have the rest of the world fooled. The problem is that this is something I've battled with my entire life - feeling like I'm not deserving of respect and love - and even though I've made many positive changes in my life, deep down I still feel pretty low on the totem pole. I don't know... does that mean I really am still depressed? I don't feel depressed, I just simply don't think that I'm a good person.
I've been thinking about this a lot this week, because I'm evening out and can start focusing on things I need to work on again. This is the thing I chose that I think needs improvement. I know, I picked a pretty hefty thing to work on, didn't I? But when have you ever known me to start small? And besides, until I have this figured out, I can't really fix anything else. It's like putting the cart before the horse.
The problem is, how do you go about retraining your brain like this? It's definitely something I need to bring up in therapy tomorrow, I think. Also, a friend suggested some reading on meditation and self-affirmations, I can't wait to start reading up on that. I think that once I feel at peace with who I am, and at peace with my past, I can truly be happy in every sense of the word.
Dear One, I can relate I just figured that my inner super critical and patronizing voice started shifting. The work executed over the last few months is paying off. Maybe you read my post about it?
ReplyDeletehttp://pneumeier.blogspot.com/2010/09/food4thought.html
I never thought it possible. BTW, I am on Zoloft. I am not depressed. Yet medication can only be part of the solution for healing. Life is so much more then just not being depressed! And you are more, so much more then the sum of labels, meds or fears! The core of your being is not destroyable. Love across the pond.