Affirmations Saturday - Silent Communication

Today's Affirmation from Daily Affirmations for Forgiving and Moving On by Tian Dayton:

Silent Communication

I am not an island onto myself. Isolating myself from those I am
intimate with is impossible. All I accomplish through this self-imposed
separation is the illusion of isolation. I share space with those who
are close to me. Each of us knows what is going on, each of us feels the
atmosphere of the other. I will be willing to know how I affect people
today on both a verbal and, even more important, on a nonverbal level. I
will take responsibility not only for what I say, but for who I am in
the alive and vibrating feeling atmosphere around me. The atmosphere
around me is alive and carries my silent message to all whom I
encounter; it is what others I am in relationship with know and live
with.

I own what I think and feel.

Now if you apply the wave-particle metaphor to human relationship and
think that we are both particle, individuals in our own space and time
and waves, things that can overlap and combine with others, then you
have a basis for seeing how we could get "into" relationships with other
people. ~Dianne Zohar

 Wow... this one is very appropriate for me lately.  I haven't talked about it much (or in any detail anyway) out of respect for my husband, but we've been having a lot of issues in the intimacy department.  And I'm not just talking in terms of sex, I'm talking intimacy in every sense of the word. 

I think it's because I'm afraid any intimacy will lead to that intimacy. And that intimacy makes me want to fight, to push him away, to run, to get angry, to want to lose control, and I hate losing control.  Has it always been this way? Sort of.  It's always been there to some degree, but I used to be able to squash it down, battle through it and hide it.  Now for whatever reason, I can't hide that visceral reaction.  And that lack of control makes me even more angry.  A vicious circle.  Hence signing up for EMDR therapy (GOD I hope that works!!).

Anyway, getting back to the affirmation... it's saying that isolation isn't a one way street.  That I may be isolating myself from my husband, but it doesn't go unnoticed by him, it hurts him and it's hurting me as well.  When I think that I'm simply distancing myself from him to withhold sex, I'm damaging much more than our sex life.  I need to remind myself that intimacy is so much more than sex, something I accuse my husband of thinking all the time. I need to take responsibility for my own bias.  A relationship can't be one sided and I'm short changing myself and my husband by taking such a myopic view, just because of my own neurosis.  I need to practice being initimate in different ways, opening myself up and allowing vulnerability.  If I trust him the way I say I do, I should feel safe letting that vulnerability come through. 

This is something I definitely need to think about this week... because I'm not sure I do feel safe opening myself up to him and being vulnerable, because the bias is there and I'm afraid that vulnerability and intimacy is going to lead down that one path.  And I don't think I could stand having that instinctual reaction toward the man that I love again.  And that's not giving my husband any credit at all.  This is something that needs work, for sure.