Christmas has historically been a hard time for me. I used to be such and idealist about the holiday. One year I tried to save up all my change so that I could get my little sister one of those play kitchens. Half way through the year, though, my parents took over the jar with the change and used it for something else (I can't remember what). Another year I made letters from elves and left them on my sister's pillow. I think that got an eyeroll. Presents I got never seemed to be good enough. Christmas was a time of feeling like I wasn't living up to expectations and feeling guilty for one reason or another.
When I got older, and started my own family and traditions, I'd try to include my family every single year and every single year they'd bail on me. But I'd keep inviting them. Year after year. And every year I'd spend Christmas day slightly depressed and disillusioned, not to mention feeling guilty that my parents spent Christmas Eve alone. My ideals just couldn't be reached.
Last year I told them not to even bother pretending that they were going to come because honestly, I couldn't take it anymore. So this year, at least, when I sent out the invitation and they didn't respond, I asked my mom if that meant she wasn't coming and at least she was honest with me, even if she still made some lame excuse. I'm trying to be different in how I react to it this year, at least.
It's my parents choice to stay home on Christmas Eve. There's nothing for me to feel guilty about. All I can do is my best to include them, and just enjoy the family I have (my in-laws) around me. I will try not to let expectations get the better of me and just enjoy the holiday for what it is. I will enjoy my kids and revel in the wonder and excitement they experience.
And I will view my visit to my parents on Christmas morning (and seeing my brother) as nothing more than a bump in the road. I will not let it ruin my day. I will get through it.
((hugs)) Its a grieving process for you. You have this 'idea' of how things ought to be and how you'd like them to be and they keep killing that ideal. You're making forward moving progress. Keep your chin up and shoulders back. But also remember that it is okay to grieve, just don't let the grief pull from the happiness. ♥
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