I'm really not sure what to write about today. LOL. Things have kind of been going okay.
EMDR yesterday was more like a regular therapy appointment because we talked for most of the session. We did do some self-esteem work with the hand "tappers." The target words were "Intelligent" and "Independent Thinker." Basically she'd have me reflect on the word and then talk about a time when I demonstrated that word. For intelligent, I described how well I did in college and how I made good grades through sheer force of will. For independent thinker, I kind of used the same example in that I described how I decided to go to college after taking a few years off, even though I didn't get much (if any) encouragement from my parents. I decided on my own that that's what I wanted to do and made it happen.
At couple's therapy, the therapist suggested that it might help if my husband and I watch a video together, called "Rehealing Touch, Healing Techniques for Couples." We haven't watched it yet, but we plan on it.
Today at regular therapy, we talked more about my "issues" around sex. Specifically, how I view sex as an means to an end - to get something I want - rather than as a physical expression of love. Even the term "making love" gives me the creeps. The therapist thinks (and I agree) that this is because of two things: 1) I was taught in my family that sex was only for procreation; love had very little to do with it, and it certainly wasn't to be enjoyed (that would be just sinful!) and 2) My brother would let me borrow something of his after (if you get what I mean).
The difficult part for me, is that even knowing these things, even with all the growth I've gone through recently, and even with having my meds all straightened out so that I'm mentally feeling better, not much if anything has changed in the sex department. I could even argue that it's gotten worse. Sigh. So that's frustrating and discouraging. I just need to tell myself to be patient with the EMDR work and hope to God that it works.
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