Crossroads

My parents want to know why I have issues with them.  They want to talk to me, just the three of us, alone, so we can talk about why I am upset.  I don't even know what to do anymore.  How can I tell them the truth?  That my brother and I had an inappropriate relationship most likely because he was molested himself and because we were desperate for any sort of affection? That my mom used to scare the crap out of me with her religious views, telling me all about the end of the world, and hell, and how if I looked in the mirror too long I'd see the face of the devil, and if I wandered too far from home, satanists would find me and skin me alive - all of this she told me before the age of eight?  That even if it was unintentional, their unreasonable religious and moral expectations were such that I grew up constantly trying to please them and be perfect? 

That I was always sunny and happy on the outside, but on the inside I was dying with anxiety about not being good enough?  About the time that I accidentally drew on a piece of furniture and as punishment, my mom took my favorite doll (my comfort item) and poked holes in her face with a pen? That I have no idea what love is, because the only love I experienced when I was a child was conditional love - "act this way, behave this way if you want my love."  How I never knew what kind of mood my mom would be in when I came home from school and had to tiptoe around the house, constantly on guard in case it was something I did (or failed to do) while my mom was in one of her silent rages that could last for weeks? How my dad is always the first to remind me, as if he feels he has to take me down a peg or two, that I'm "not perfect either." 

How much it hurt me that they weren't there for me at a time when I needed them most, when I was at my most vulnerable?  How my whole childhood and teenage-hood was nothing but a bunch of lies... telling my parents exactly what they wanted to hear to avoid their anger and disappointment, and so I turned into a habitual liar and to this day find myself lying for no reason.  That they never allowed me to express anger, so to this day I either stuff it down or cry when I'm mad.  That I got threatened with being disowned and/or put in a foster home so many times that I'm terrified of abandonment and will do anything to keep a relationship going.

How do I - how could I - tell them those things?? The things they said and did were based on strong religious values that they completely and ultimately believe in, and in their mind, what they say is true and right.  And besides, they're still my parents and as much pain I have towards them right now, this hurts.  This really hurts.  Not to mention that I hate hurting people, and if I told them all of these things, they would be crushed.  Hell, I don't know if they'd even admit or remember most of that stuff.  But I do.  And I know my memories are real.

So now I'm at a crossroads. I can either go on with these cowardly emails back and forth, back and forth, or I can meet with them and chicken out and end up caving (which I'm sure would be the most likely scenario), or I can meet with them and layout all the "issues" I have with them and most likely ruin any chance of having any sort of relationship with them ever again.

I am so tempted to call my brother - the "one" - and talk to him about this.  Because I think he, out of all my siblings, in a sick and twisted way, is the only one who'd understand what I'm going through right now.

This just sucks.

Surprise Surprise

Well there's a big surprise.  You know how I've been going back and forth via email with my parents? I told them that I'd be willing to do a joint session with my therapist regarding everything going on and at first they said that they'd absolutely do it.  Exactly one week later I got another email from my Dad saying that they changed their minds, that they're my parents and that they should be able to speak to me alone about "my issues" and that they don't need a third party present.  I can't do that. No, I'm sorry, I won't do that.  By refusing to have a "third party" they're making it seem like it's me against them, two against one.  And I know myself well enough to know exactly what would happen if that was the scenario.  They'd tell me why I'm wrong/mistaken/misunderstanding and I'd be reduced to tears and frustration that I can't get my points across. So I told them that, and said that when they're ready for me to make an appointment, let me know.

All I know is that I'm sick and tired of this back and forth via email.  How cowardly can you get? And yes, I'm including myself in that accusation.  And I'm also really worried about my relationship with my younger brother, who is currently the only one in my family I'm on speaking terms with.  Sooner or later he's going to cave to the pressure and I think that he'll choose their "side." 

My mood, motivation and energy levels are back down.  I've resorted to taking two clonopin at night to get me to sleep and sleep all night. Technically my prescription says I can take "one to two per day," but I'm thinking I'm cheating by taking two at the same time.  And that bothers me because my therapist warned me that clonopin can be addicting.  But the 80mg of Prozac makes me really restless, and I still haven't found a new psychiatrist yet, so I don't know what the hell to do. 

So in essence, I've been trying to keep myself insanely busy so that I literally want to drop into bed exhausted at night and not think too much.

As for my relationship with my husband... well, the intimacy issues are still there and we're both becoming fed up with that.  I've been trying to be more accommodating towards him and trying to see things from his perspective.  He also returned to weekly therapy after our joint session a few weeks ago, because his therapist said that he needs help coping, too.

In the meantime, I'm reminding my kids every single day that I love them so much and that nothing can ever change that.  I'm teaching them that it's more than okay to love yourself and that they are lovable people.  And I'm heaping on the positive reinforcement. I don't want my kids to grow up self-critical and feeling unlovable.

Long time no see...

Sorry it's been a while... I don't have a lot of time but wanted to update.  Since the last time we "spoke," my husband took me on a little 4 day getaway which was absolutely wonderful and just what the doctor ordered.  We also got a puppy. So, yeah, some big things.  I'm doing okay, I think... still think my Prozac prescription is way off and was disturbed to find out while I was on vacation that my psychiatrist is taking a medical leave of absence and won't be returning until the end of June.  I don't think I can wait that long, frankly, so I'm going to talk to my therapist tomorrow and see what she thinks I should do.  All I know is that this insomnia is killing me.  I think I got a total of 2 hours of sleep last night. I'm exhausted, but too restless to sleep.  And I don't want to fall into the trap of taking a medication (Clonopin) to help me settle down from another medication, so I haven't been taking it.  So that's where I'm at with that.

On an emotional level, I'm not getting along well with my parents, at all.  After a few terse emails back and forth with my mom a couple of weeks ago, in which she basically questioned my parenting abilities, I got a long, lecturing one from my father. I was actually anticipating that one and was surprised that it took him so long to send it.  It basically played down all of my arguments and tried to come across as me being over-sensitive, over-dramatic and misunderstanding them. It was extremely condescending.  I shot back a reply, and he followed that with another "I don't know what you're talking about" email.  I haven't responded to that one yet, because it came when I was on vacation, but plan on talking to my therapist about that as well.  They want to talk to me in person so we can discuss my "issues," but for obvious reasons, I'm very anxious about that prospect. 

So that's where I am right now... in summary, I'm kind of doing better emotionally (I think), but I'm still having a lot of anxiety issues that I think are related to my meds being off.  I think if I could just get that straightened out, I'd actually be feeling pretty "healthy" right now.

Invisible Woman

A friend of mine shared this video this morning.  I have to admit I'm not the most spiritual person in the world (especially recently) but the point of the inspirational message hit home. I hope that you enjoy it too:

A moment

In spite of some crapiness that went on this morning, I am trying to do what one reader suggested and find that one thing in every day that makes me smile.  There was a moment today where my husband was outside cutting the grass, I was sitting on the patio, and the kids were swinging on their swingset, giggling about something or other.  I made sure that I took that moment and drank it in: the warmth of the sunshine, the smell of fresh-cut grass, the sound of my childrens' laughter, the looks of happiness on their faces, I just soaked it all up and allowed myself to smile.  It was nice.

Thought(less) Thursday

This might have to be a stream of consciousness posts because I really don't know where I am right now.  Not sure if it's the Prozac not working, or Mother's day coming up or just everything in general, but I feel myself sliding back down into depression again.  It's scaring me.  We talked in therapy today about a lot - this session was fully loaded from start to finish - from our joint session yesterday with my husband and his therapist, to my feelings of inadequacy, to my feelings of loneliness and feeling unloved, to my intimacy issues and how angry I feel during sex.  Once again I feel like for every one step forward, I take two back.  I'm impatient, I want to be well. I'm tired, so tired, of feeling this way.  I feel like I'm caught in one double bind after another.  And I can't make a "right" choice to save my life. I can't even put into words how hopeless I feel.  I wish people would stop expecting anything out of me. Because I am so sick of falling short of expectations. I feel like every relationship - with the exception of my kids - in my life has been turned on it's head and I don't know which way is up anymore.  I don't know how to act, what makes me happy, what makes other people happy, whether I should even care?  Is it even worth it to keep taking the Prozac?  Why bother?  And I know people are going to think that this post is self-indulgent and whiney and 'woe-is-me' and believe me, I know.  But I just can't get these thoughts out of my head. 

I just want to be loved. I just want to be loved.

Just another ramble

My psychiatrist called me back yesterday and thinks that my Prozac dose was too high... she told me to drop back to 60 for the time being... possibly try to get back up to 70, and if that doesn't work, we may need to supplement the Prozac with Abilify or switch to a new drug entirely.

I have to admit... and I know, I'm feeling agitated as it is from a side effect of the too-high dose... but I have to admit that I'm starting to get frustrated. Is it too much to ask to feel normal? To feel even? To feel motivated and to have energy?  And not have to trade that for feeling like I'm going to jump out of my own skin or waking up at 4:00 AM wide awake and not able to get back to sleep?  I feel like my sleep is never restful lately. 

But I'm also afraid to try something new.  I mean, I know that it takes some time and work to find the right combination for most people, but dammit, I just want to feel better.  It's like, if I'm sleeping well, I'm sleeping too much and want to sleep all day.  If I have energy, it's in the middle of the night when I have to get up to avoid waking my husband from my tossing and turning.  If I'm not on anything at all, well, God help my children and my husband because my irrational temper comes out and it's anyone's guess what'll make me fly off the handle.  And I don't want that for them, or for me.  I scare myself when I'm like that, feeling out of control like that. 

Is it too much to ask to feel good and right for once in my life?  Is this just wishful thinking on my part? Can anyone ever achieve that kind of balance, can anyone ever hope to have a stretch of good days where things just seem even?  I know that it's unrealistic to think that I'll find some magical drug that'll make me happy for ever-more, I just hate these extreme ups and downs. I'm so, so tired.

I'm tired of this roller coaster. I want to get off.

Restless

I'm thinking a call to my psychiatrist is in order.  Over the last few days I've felt really restless, not comfortable, squirmy, whatever you want to call it.  I sit to do something and feel bored and distracted.  I can't get out of my own way.  I wake up at 4:30 and feel the need to get up, although I'm still so tired.  I'm irritable for no good reason.  It's like this constant sense of anticipation, like someone is about to sneak up on me or something really bad is about to happen. It's almost like an itch under my skin that I can't scratch. I have to force myself to get up and get anything done becaue I look around and see these messes and it just all seems very overwhelming.  Has anyone ever experienced anything like this?