The Simple Life

My husband is officially on vacation for the week and we're leaving for our favorite local vacation spot.  Whenever I'm there, even though it's only a short drive away, I feel far away from my problems and more at peace than any other time during the year.  This place is nothing fancy, it's a very "rustic" in fact, and when we're there, life just slows down to a crawl. The kids are busy with this or that, giving me a chance to sit back, relax, and watch them enjoy the simple pleasures in life - like toes in the sand, running in the water, building pools and castles, collecting little creatures in buckets and marveling at life; eating hotdogs, ice cream, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, little single-serve boxes of cereal; sitting on the front porch, freshly washed in the outside shower, sweat shirts on, watching the sun set... it just doesn't get any better. I wish I could carry that feeling throughout the rest of the year.

Things I've learned

In an effort to be a little more optimistic, I've decided to focus this post on some of the postive changes I've noticed (or others have noticed) about myself.  Since starting counseling a year ago, I've learned:

• to set boundaries
• to recognize a toxic relationship
• to say no
• to ask for help when I need it
• to say "won't" or "choose not to" instead of "can't"
• that I am an adult and don't have to remain under my parents' thumbs
• that I'm not perfect and don't have to act that way
• that there's no such thing as a mom who does it all - and remains sane
• that I don't have to smile all the time
• that things I beat myself up about are often times normal feelings and actions
• that I'm not alone
• that I don't have to defend my actions or make excuses
• that I can't save anyone
• that I can only save myself
• that people can change, but only through hard work and awareness
• that therapy works
• that sometimes people just need validation
• that I still need to work on being a better listener
• that I've come a long way with being honest with people, but I still need to work on it.

Thoughtful Thursday

Since I already posted earlier today, I'll keep this one short. 

• My irritability could be a side effect of one of my meds being either too high of a dose or too low. That, along with the fact that I've been having "zings" (anyone who has taken antidepressants probably knows what I mean by this... they're kind of like electrical zaps in my fingers and head every time I turn my head to fast), made me put in a call to my Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner (PNP) for a possible med or dose change. Wish me luck.
• I think I may have discovered why I'm so sex-averse lately.  When I was little, I was able to manipulate my family member into letting me play his video game by doing what he wanted me to do.  Ever since, when I want something, intimacy is one way I try to get it.  Lately, through all the growing and introspection I've been doing, just the thought of that makes me feel, well, gross. I want to have sex because I want to make love, not because I want something out of it.  That's why, I think, I've been having trouble getting into it because I've been second guessing my own motives.  I hope this makes sense. 

In other news, I'm honored to have received the Versatile Blogger award, from Beth over at Create Your Traditions.  Thank you so much Beth for thinking of me. I really appreciate the thought, especially on a day like this. 

In order to receive the award fully, I must

• Thank the person who gave me the award. 
• Share seven things about myself.
• Nominate 15 newly discovered blogs, and let the nominees know about the award.

Seven things:

1. Anne is not my real name
2. I'm a cat person
3. I'm terrified of dying
4. I considered killing myself when I was 16 but couldn't go through with it.
5. I get along easier with men than with women
6. I was raised Catholic but I've pretty much decided recently that I'm Agnostic.
7. I started this blog because my therapist suggested a journal, but my handwriting is terrible.

Now, as for the nominations, since I just did something similar last week, I'll refer you to this post for a list of blogs I think everyone should check out.

Going crazy

I'm either turning into my mother, going crazy, or a little of both. I just can't cope.  I'm so frigging irritated right now that seconds ago when I couldn't get a drawer to shut in the kids' art cabinet that I pulled the drawer out and slammed it down on the ground so hard that papers and crayons went flying.  Luckily the kids weren't in the room because I think it would have scared the hell out of them.  I couldn't control myself, I just had to lash out at something because the rage was unbearable.  I'm scared.  I just called the babysitter and asked her to take the kids for a while today because honestly I don't think I could deal with them. 

Not to mention that the dog is into everything this morning and I'm sick and tired of screaming at her.  I shouldn't be screaming at her. She's just a puppy.  So she's locked in her crate because, honestly,  the next time I find her with a roll of toilet paper shredded all over the floor, or someone's shoe, or papers off the desk, or one of the kids toys, I don't even want to know what I might do. 

So much for the damned Lamictal.  Lately I feel even worse than before. What the hell is wrong with me? If I was a smoker or a cutter I'd be doing both right now.  I just need some relief from this anger.

Breaking it down

Part of the problem of finding myself is that I'm second guessing everything I thought I knew to be true about my life and the world around me.  I wonder if everything I once knew about myself - my thoughts, opinions and values - is the influence of what I thought others wanted me to think, or if it's really me.  Here are some of the things that I've second guessed about myself lately:

• My faith
• My political beliefs
• My stances on hot topics such as gay marriage, abortion rights, etc.
• Where I live,
• Where I send my kids to school,
• How I raise my kids,
• How I navigate my marriage

As well as less important things like:

• My hairstyle,
• My clothes,
• The music I listen to,
• My hobbies,
• My interests

 One by one I'm tearing apart my old views, getting to the root, examining it, turning it over, figuring it out, and then building it back up - either changed completely, tweaked a little, or left alone.  It's extremely liberating, and I suggest everyone try it if you feel like you're not being true to yourself in all aspects of your life.

Murky Waters

What am I feeling? hmm... good question.  When I'm first starting to sink into the quicksand that is depression, I often try to keep myself as busy as humanly possible.  To avoid thinking, to avoid dwelling, to avoid the dull ache and the teary eyes, to avoid the irritable, impatient attitude I have with everyone and everything.  The busier I am, the more people I surround myself with, the more I can forget that my world is once again crumbling down around me.  And then the moment I stop, take a breath, take in the silence around me, that's when the ambition drains away, the fatigue sets in, the ambivalence takes over.   That, in a nut shell, is how I've felt for the last week and a half or so. 

As long as I'm busy doing something, I'm pretty much okay.  The worries and dark thoughts stay in the back of my brain, but at least they're in the back, where I can baracade the door, hide the key and pile up some sandbags in front of it for good measure.  The minute I stop, though, those thoughts come barreling back in like murky black flood waters.  And God knows I hate and fear that flood.  So on I go at this exhausting pace, holding my finger in the damn (spelling intended) and hoping it holds.

(I apologize for the unbelievably mixed metaphors.  You try writing coherently when it's 11:00 at night and your exhausted from your go-go-go pace over the last two weeks).

Opening a can of worms

Alright, the husband might be a little sorry he told me I could do this last night at couple's therapy, but he did tell me that he reads my blog because he considers it a way into what's going on in my head, so he doesn't mind if I write about him.  That being said, I have the perfect post about him this morning.  Ironic, isn't it?

My husband is upstairs sleeping.  At least I assume he's sleeping, because if he's just upstairs laying in bed while he hears me losing my temper again and again, I'm going to throw something at him (oh, well what do you know, one of the kids just came downstairs to tell me that the husband is upstairs reading. Lovely).

I'm kind of pissed at him right now.  No, I am pissed at him right now. Royally aggravated, in fact.  It's 8:00, I have to take the kids to a birthday party this morning, which is an hour away, my family, my whole family (if you get my drift) will be there, and it's the first time I've seen all of them since Christmas.  I'm really stressed out about that.  On top of that I have two kids who are driving me nuts this morning (although I admit my patience is at a minimum right now), the dog is into everything, I had to wrap a present, get the kids to draw a card, be constantly after them to finish their breakfast... but that's all minor compared to the following:

The husband isn't coming to this birthday party.  He hates my family, so he's not going.  I could really use some support today but he's not going to be there.  Don't get me wrong, I'm kind of glad he's not going to be there, adding to an already weird and uncomfortable situation - if he can't be there for me I'd rather him not be there at all - but it would be really nice to have someone there for me to lean on and support me today.  This is going to be so hard.

Also: we're going away for the weekend right after we get home from the party.  He's upstairs reading and I'm frantically trying to get the kids ready, trying to get myself ready, trying to pack for the weekend, all the while nearly going off my rocker.  And I know exactly what's going to happen. Come 1:00 when I get home, he's going to be so impatient to get leaving that he's going to be all annoyed with me for not being ready. 

So husband, yeah, you asked for it. That is what's going on inside my head right now.

Nervous

The husband and I have our first "real" couples counseling session today. Why am I so nervous? I think it's because I think that our problems are at least 70% my fault.  I play games with him that I don't even realize I'm playing.  He's been so frustrated with me lately.  Well, maybe not me, but the situation in general. He said that he knows that I was dealt a bad hand in my life and that he feels powerless to help me change it, if it can even be changed at all. 

We do definitely have problems with communication.  Every time we try to have a serious discussion about our relationship, or our finances, or whatever, one or both of us gets on the defensive.  And then nothing gets resolved.  

I also have problems communicating my needs and wants.  I'll wait until the last minute to tell him that I have plans or want to go out because I'm (for some f'd up reason) afraid that he'll say no or get mad.  The few times I've actually told him about my plans before hand, he's been more than accomodating. So I don't get why I do that, either.

Then there's the problem that we don't share a whole lot of interests.  Or at least he has interests and my interests are the following: reading and writing.  And those aren't really conducive to sharing with your spouse.  My husbands interests include running, golfing, skiing, hiking, mountain biking, etc.

Don't get me wrong, the man does have his faults, like he has very little patience (I love you sweetie, but it's true), and his Type A personality comes out in a harsh way sometimes, but again, when I look at our relationship from my side, I really believe that I need to be the one to do the most changing in our relationship.

And as you know, I hate change and consciously and subconsciously resist it at all costs. That, and when faced with face-to-face criticism and confrontation, my first instinct is to cry. I loath crying. 

Yeah. I'm not looking forward to this at all.

Thoughtful Thursday

I've had all day to think about today's therapy session since this is the first chance I've had to get home and write about it.  Most of the one hour was devoted to talking about this person in my life (I'll call her G) that had crossed a few lines.  We talked about how I could cope with the situation as well as what I could say to G so that I could put some boundaries back in place.

What was good, though, was that she helped me to see that the situation is "therapeutic" for G as well as for me.  By therapeutic she meant that it was a learning and growing experience for both of us. Let me see if I can explain it like she did...

The situation is therapeutic to G because hopefully by me confronting her about her over-stepping her bounds will help her to realize that she comes on too strong sometimes and that she has some control issues.  Maybe she'll realize that she can't be so aggressive in her friendships if she means to continue them. 

The situation is therapeutic to me because it's helping me to realize that I can say no, that I can be honest with people and that I can put up a healthy wall around myself.  I'm realizing that my needs are important and valid and that I don't have to let people like G steamroll over me.   And there's no need for me to feel guilty about being honest with someone.  Granted, it took everything in me today after therapy to sit down and type out an email to G telling her how I felt, instead of resorting to (old) bad habits of ignoring my needs and/or avoiding the situation entirely. 

But I did it... I wrote G a brief email, telling her how I felt - without defending my actions or going into great detail what G's transgressions were - just stating in a clear concise way what I felt and needed out of the relationship, and sent it out.

Let's just say that I hope that things like these get easier the more I practice, because oh, man...

Boundaries

I have a real problem with setting healthy boundaries.  People who are aggressive in their personalities are able to walk all over me if I let them.  And I usually let them.  What happens then is that I bend over backwards for them and, honestly, in my mental state right now, any extra effort is exhausting.  Friendships shouldn't be that much work.  But I just have a real problem saying no.  Don't get me wrong, I've had times where I was backed into a corner and literally had to force the words out of my mouth telling someone I had enough, but usually it's at the point of no return and ruins the relationship.  I need to figure out the balance of setting the boundaries as I go, so that it doesn't get that far.  I'm struggling with that right now, actually.  I need to figure out how to gracefully tell someone to back off a little, for the sake of our friendship.  Yet if I had set the healthy boundaries in the first place, I wouldn't be in this very awkward situation right now.

And so, this morning, for the heck of it, I googled "setting healthy boundaries" and I found a really good article with some pointers for the future.  I think I need to print these bullet points out and tape them to the refrigerator. Seriously.

From Serenity Online Therapy - Healthy Boundaries

• When you identify the need to set a boundary, do it clearly, preferably without anger, and in as few words as possible. Do not justify, apologize for, or rationalize the boundary you are setting. Do not argue! Just set the boundary calmly, firmly, clearly, and respectfully.
• You can’t set a boundary and take care of someone else’s feelings at the same time. You are not responsible for the other person’s reaction to the boundary you are setting. You are only responsible for communicating the boundary in a respectful manner. If others get upset with you, that is their problem. If they no longer want your friendship, then you are probably better off without them. You do not need "friends" who disrespect your boundaries.
• At first, you will probably feel selfish, guilty, or embarrassed when you set a boundary. Do it anyway, and tell yourself you have a right to take care of yourself. Setting boundaries takes practice and determination. Don't let anxiety or low self-esteem prevent you from taking care of yourself.
• When you feel anger or resentment, or find yourself whining or complaining, you probably need to set a boundary. Listen to yourself, then determine what you need to do or say. Then communicate your boundary assertively. When you are confident you can set healthy boundaries with others, you will have less need to put up walls.
• When you set boundaries, you might be tested, especially by those accustomed to controlling you, abusing you, or manipulating you. Plan on it, expect it, but be firm. Remember, your behavior must match the boundaries you are setting. You can not establish a clear boundary successfully if you send a mixed message by apologizing for doing so. Be firm, clear, and respectful.
• Most people are willing to respect your boundaries, but some are not. Be prepared to be firm about your boundaries when they are not being respected. If necessary, put up a wall by ending the relationship. In extreme cases, you might have to involve the police or judicial system by sending a no-contact letter or obtaining a restraining order.
• Learning to set healthy boundaries takes time. It is a process. You will set boundaries when you are ready. It’s your growth in your own time frame, not what someone else tells you. Let your counselor or support group help you with pace and process.
• Develop a support system of people who respect your right to set boundaries. Eliminate toxic persons from your life - those who want to manipulate you, abuse you, and control you.
• Setting healthy boundaries allows your true self to emerge – and what an exciting journey that is.

Award: Blogs with Substance

I just received this award from Journal to Bliss.  I am so, so honored Vicki! Thank you so much for thinking of me!

Here are the rules:

• Thank the blogger who awarded it to you.
• Sum up your blogging philosophy, motivation, and experience using five (5) words. example: WRITE HEART PEOPLE LIVE HAPPY
• Pass it on to 10 other blogs which you feel have real substance.

My blogging philosphy in five words:

1. Keep it REAL
2. Stay HONEST
3. DISCOVERY of self
4. Exhibit VULNERABILITY in my words. Show the world who I am and what made me that way.
5. HELP others and myself

Blogs that I nominate:

1. Penitus Templum
2. Major Bedhead
3. Living Life
4. A Place Called Simplicity
5. Fighting the Darkness
6. Surviving Depression
7. Sparkle and Shine
8. And Then Came the Rain
9. Variety is the Spice
10. Speaking Out

Benefits of Mental Illness?

I get all my good ideas for posts early in the morning, by the way, when I'm still lying in bed thinking about my day. I'm trying to see the positive in every part of myself lately, and so I was thinking about if there are any positive aspects of having a mental illness.  Some of these lessons are a little more important than others, obviously, but they are positive nonetheless. Here are the bullet points I came up with:

1. New-found compassion for people who are mentally ill.  There is such a stigma around "crazy."  Now that I've been there and (hopefully) back again, I can relate to people who have it the same or even worse than me.  I realize that it's not an excuse (most of the time) and that there is no easy way out.  Mental illness isn't just "in your head," it's very real and very debilitating.
2. New found passion for writing.  I never really had confidence in my writing ability, or thought that anyone would actually "get" me or have any interest in what I had to say.  I didn't think that I was very creative or descriptive, and didn't have the guts to put myself out there, so to speak. Now I'm starting to realize that the writing I do is for me, and - no offense to my readers - it doesn't matter what others think of my writing skills when what I write is therapeutic and part of the process of finding myself.
3. That said, what that realization has led to is that I have discovered in me a passion for mental health and sexual abuse awareness.  Because of the stigma and shame associate with these two issues, no one wants to talk about it or admit that it happened to them or someone they love.  I'm seeking to change that, even if it's just me putting myself out there.  Hopefully someone will see and relate to what I write and decide to face their own demons.  Maybe I'll help people realize that mental illness is just that - an illness - and/or that the sexual abuse was not their fault (something I still struggle with constantly), and there's nothing to be ashamed of in either scenario.
4. Looking inside myself for happiness. Looking outside myself for happiness is another thing I struggle with on a daily basis.  But whereas "before" I wasn't even aware that I was doing it, now I know and am actively trying to break out of that bad habit.  I'm trying to be more honest with people, knowing that giving them what I think they want is not going to make me happy, learning how to take care of myself, and learning to accept myself for who I am, one tiny baby step at a time.
5. Love for reading self help books instead of escaping in fiction.  I love to read.  However, in my past I read books to escape.  Fiction helped me forget or push down everything that was wrong with my life.  But by reading self-help books and memoirs, it's helping me to face my inner demons, realize that I'm not alone, that my feelings are valid, and will hopefully give me the tools I need to change and grow as a person.

A Case of the Mondays

Let's see... I'm aggravated today.  My kids aren't being very good listeners, the house is a mess after the weekend, I don't feel like going to a family function tonight but I know I should, I'm questioning my diagnosis once again because I'm feeling so agitated and irritated today, the 'j' key on my keyboard is busted because the dog decided to try to eat my computer, the dog is being a puppy and the kids are being kids and I have absolutely no patience for either right now, I have a ton of laundry that needs to be washed, folded and put away, but I don't feel like it.  Oh yeah, and my elbow hurts.

On the other hand, I did shower myself and the kids, yelled at the kids, cleaned my room, yelled at the dog, organized the kids' drawers, yelled at the kids for yelling at the dog, put some laundry away, vacuumed the upstairs, cleaned up some cat throw-up off the floor (sorry if that's too much information), fed the kids lunch, cleaned out the fridge, went food shopping, booted the kids and the dog out into the backyard and told them to play, dammit, whether they wanted to or not (sans the 'dammit'), cut up some fruit for later and loaded the dishwasher.  So the day hasn't been a complete loss I suppose.

I gave the dog a rawhide bone, sent both children up for "rests" (one because she still naps, the other because he disobeyed me and it was either send him upstairs or lose my temper with him, so upstairs he went).  Now I think I'll take me a nice rest myself with a good book, because it's only 3:00 and I still have four and a half hours left until the kids go to bed.

I wonder

I often wonder: how many of my problems and "issues" are due to my past and what happened in it and how much is my diagnosis?  Social anxiety for example - is that due to my past and how I have little confidence in myself , or is it the depression that makes me feel worthless and unlovable? Am I lazy and unmotivated because of the depression, or is it because I feel like no matter how hard I try, I'll fail and/or let someone down?

The problem is that if it's the Bipolar II/Depression diagnosis that's causing these things, how can I overcome them? Am I setting myself up for failure by even trying?  And I also have to wonder if using the diagnosis as an excuse to stay where I am isn't helpful at all.  Not to mention the fact that I'm always second guessing whether my "moods" are nature or nurture - that is, are my bad moods organic and nothing I can control, or are they a function of my environment and therefore something I can attempt to change.

I take the pledge

If bloggers who have survived domestic abuse and sexual abuse and/or assault are brave enough to tell their stories here, the blogging community owes it to them to listen."

I pledge that I will tell my story in the hopes that others will be given the courage to tell theirs.  And when they do, I'll be here to listen.

Thoughtful Thursday

At my weekly appointment today, my therapist and I tried to figure out why I'm feeling overwhelmed and, well, kind of sad this week.  I think it partly has to do with my visit to the couples counselor yesterday, where I had to re-rehash my whole history, which I think even overwhelmed her.

(By the way, I think from now on I'll refer to my regular therapist as L and my couples therapist as T, just to avoid confusion.) 

Anyway, as I was saying, I think I even overwhelmed T with my history.  And that always bugs me because I wish for once I could look back on my childhood and teenaged years and have good memories - or at least mostly good memories.  But the things that I mostly remember are being scared at the "you'll go to hell" and "watch out for the satanists" lectures I'd get from my mom, the constantly trying to measure up and feeling like a failure, the constant search for affection and subsequent abuse/molestation/inappropriate relationship I had with my brother, the date rape when I was 16, and the fact that my mom blamed me when she found out... all those things... I look back on them and think, man, my life sucked. And it makes me sad and overwhelmed.

The overwhelmed part, I think, is because I wonder if I'm ever going to get over this stuff.  I know that it's impossible to completely forget them, but I want to put it all behind me.  And I'm having such a hard time with that.  It's easy enough to tell myself that I'm just not going to dwell on it anymore, but it's tough when habits are so finely ingrained in my nature that I do things without even thinking, and then beat myself up after for being weak.

And the sad part, aside from the fact that my past sucked, of course, is also because after describing the abuse and the date rape to T and how I still blame myself for my parts in them, she looked at me with such concern in her face and said, "Rape is rape.  It's not your fault. It's not your fault."

Even now my eyes are welling with tears over that. 

I don't know if I've ever talked about the date rape in my past.  It's how I lost my virginity, actually.  Go me.  L explained to me once that people who have been molested or abused in their past are sitting ducks to be raped later, especially since they're in no place to say "no."  People under these circumstances don't feel like they have a choice in the matter.  That described 16 year old me perfectly. 

I remember being in the car with this guy, driving to a "parking" spot, knowing what was likely to happen and feeling absolutely helpless to stop it.  I remember screaming in my head to say something, anything, to get him to turn around and drive me back to his house, or drive me home, or go get a coffee, anything, but I was terrified to open my mouth for fear that he'd hate me and break up with me.  So I submitted after a while, let him do what he wanted to do, every once in a while throwing in feeble protests that meant nothing, obviously, to him.  He did what he wanted to do with me and then drove me home. I hated every minute of it. 

A couple of weeks later, after my parents found out, he broke up with me because he said he couldn't deal with the situation. So I was left, broken hearted, feeling dirty and ruined, and getting the silent treatment for three months from my parents because they didn't believe me when I said I didn't want to do it. 

Wow... really went off onto a tangent there. 

Humbled... yet kind of proud!

I received an award for this blog. Kind of cool, I think.  :)

The award is from Add Your Blog.com:

Congratulations! Your blog has been hand selected and recognized by add your blog.com to receive our - "Blog Star Award" !

Your blog was chosen by our webmasters, to honor your hard work and dedication in providing a quality web log.

Requirements:


1)Quality Web Content.
2)Great Design.
3)Web Log Everyone Will Love To Read.

BlogAward By: Blog Directory - AddYourBlog

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Pretty cool, huh?  Who would have thunk...

The old debate - Therapy vs. Meds

I think I figured something out.  I always wondered why people needed both psychotherapy and medication.  Why would you need both? Wouldn't just method work just fine? But on thinking about it, I realized that the medication helps you get up and have the energy to do the work that therapy requires.  Medication isn't a miracle worker, it's not going to make you any happier or well-adjusted unless you work on the underlying issues.  That's why both are so important.

I truly believe that I wouldn't be able to do the work that needs to be done if I didn't have the "boost" that the meds are giving me.  Not that it's a high - on the contrary, it's just evening me out, giving me the little push I need to get things accomplished.  Giving me the gumption to get out of bed every day. And on the other hand, I truly doubt that medication alone will cure me.  Yeah, the meds have helped - a lot - but I still feel sad, and lost, and confused, yet the good news is that the feelings aren't as desperate and acute as they were before. 

I used to think that medication would be a cure-all and that I could avoid talking out my issues by popping a pill every day.  Now I know that that's not exactly true.  Do the meds help? Absolutely.  Will they ever "cure" the underlying psychological issues behind my bipolar II diagnosis? No, for that I need to continue my work with lots of therapy and introspection. 

I know that when you read this, you'll think, "well that's just stating the obvious," and believe me, I could have told you myself that myself before I started this whole process.  But "knowing" something in theory is a hell of a lot different than "knowing" something in practice.

Overwhelmed

I wonder when I'm going to stop feeling so overwhelmed with life.  When does it get any easier? Two young kids, a dog, a cat, a husband, a house, errands... on and on... how do homemakers do it? Don't get me wrong, I love my job staying home, I love my husband, I love my kids to death, but lately I feel a little like Sisyphus, pushing the proverbial bolder up a hill, over and over and over again.  But it's not just my job as a wife and mom, it's life in general.  Making choices, wondering if they're the right ones, wondering if I'm doing things right, wondering what's going to happen if (when) I fail...

Will I ever reach that point in life where I'll feel comfortable where I'm at? When will I feel like I've arrived, so to speak? Yeah, I'm feeling better in terms of energy and motivation, but the self-doubt and the feeling as if I'm always one step behind of everyone else, that I'm good, but not quite good enough... those feelings are still there. 

On a slightly different vein, something the marriage counselor asked me last week has stuck with me all week.  It was a very simple answer, yet I struggled with it and drew a complete blank.  She asked, "What are you good at?"

I'm still trying to figure that out.  And that bothers me too, as it should be a fairly easy question to answer, wouldn't you think?  Ask me what I like to do, or what my husband is good at, or what my childrens' talents are, and I could rattle off a list quick as can be.  But what am I good at?  Am I a good mother? Hopefully I haven't screwed them up too much.  Am I a good wife? Not really.  Am I a good friend? I could definitely do better in that department.  And I won't even go into whether or not I'm a good daughter. I think I ended up giving a lame-o answer like, "um... I like to read?"  Yeah, I'm a good reader. Good answer Baby.  I carried a watermelon.

Thoughtful Thursday

(Or "Words of Wisdom" from my therapist).

Three little tidbits that I wanted to take down and remember for future pondering:

1) When I said that I feel like a horrible person for not caring much about not seeing my parents, she said that it does me no good to think that I'm a horrible person.  She said that a mass-murderer is a horrible person, I'm just a daughter that is learning to separate myself from my parents in the only way I know how.

2) A friend of hers once said, "An adult should never have to defend herself."  Thus, if my parents decided to make a snide comment about not seeing the kids in a long time, I could simply answer with a matter-of-fact, "Yes, that's true," and leave it at that, no need to elaborate or make excuses.

3) My ultimate goal should be to make my "inside" persona congruent with my "outside" persona.  I kind of envision this as fitting a round peg into a round hole, whereas before I was trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.  So, for example, giving someone a hug and telling her I missed her, when on the inside I'm feeling no such thing.  My therapist thinks that when I do see my parents, the old "square peg" might come out at first, but she believes that I'll catch myself, be aware of the shape of the peg and replace it with the round (congruent) one just as quickly.

Feels good

We started marriage counseling today, or "couples counseling" as they prefer to call it now.  I managed to keep it together this time... although it was only the first information-gathering session, so I guess we'll see. Now I have two one-hour sessions with two different therapists per week and a one-hour session with a psychiatric nurse practitioner every other week. Lovely...

At least I'm feeling better.  I think I forgot to mention that in addition to the Zoloft 50 mg and the Lamictal 100 mg, I'm now on Abilify 2 mg to give me an extra "boost" because the Zoloft alone wasn't doing the trick.  My moods had evened out, and I was feeling more motivation, but I was still depressed, if that makes any sense.

Now, I feel the depression lifting, and the motivation and energy is still there. Yet I don't feel numb, as I did on the Zoloft 100, and I don't feel agitated or hyper as I did on the Zoloft 150 mg or the Prozac 80 mg.  So there is that. 

The one problem is that I'm looking around my house and seeing all this stuff that needs to be done.  Walls washed, furniture moved, plants replanted, you name it.  Before it was "good enough." But "good enough" simply isn't good enough anymore.  So yeah, I have my work cut out for me there.

I'm not overwhelmed by it all, though.  I see it as a challenge that I can conquer.  And that, my friends, feels good.

:)

Book Review: Voluntary Madness

Voluntary Madness: Lost and Found in the Mental Healthcare System by Norah Vincent

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

A first-hand account of how one woman sets out to check herself into three different "looney bins" and the marked differences between state hospital, Catholic-run, and privately-owned institutions that ensues.  But what she doesn't expect is that she'll uncover a few of her own demons that she'll be forced to face along the way. I came across this book during a search for other mental health books, although it doesn't really apply to my "research," and regardless of the fact that it was wordy, overly simplistic and downright cynical at times, it surprisingly lent a few insightful gems into the world of self-discovery.

View all my reviews

Here are a few quotes that I can't necessarily say were my favorites, but that were at the very least thought-provoking:

The entitlement in all of us is appalling.  My, me, mine.  Fix it.  Happiness is my right as an American.  Not its pursuit, but its persistence, like an arc over my life, cradle to grave, a sheltering bough, for spacious skies and fruitful plains, the bounty of my country.  America the beautiful. And happy.  Except that the next verse of that song says, "Mend thine every flaw." Meaning make a fucking effort, you sloth.

 We need each other.  We do better with the support of other people who know and care about us than we do at the hands of indifferent professionals who squeeze our untidy empirical woes into theoretical abstractions and boil our lived experience down to chemistry.  We do better when people listen to us, even if we are not making much sense.

Face your fear, step into it, look at it head-on and it will diminish in stature, lose its hold on your imagination.  But run, and it'll grow wings, breathe fire, and fly after you.

The rage, which had grown up in me as a form of protection against invasion, specifically the invasion of adult hands and tongues and other organs, had done its job too well.  I was locked out, too. My self-protection had been taken to such an extreme that it had become self-alienation.

... Nobody can handle a lifetime of experience in one moment.  That's why depression crushes you... So Josie taught me, and all of us, to stop trying to figure out or account for it, to stop letting it seep into the past and the future.

And finally,

I am not bound by my diagnosis.  I can help myself, and I will.

The farther I go...

I heard a new song on the radio today by Five For Fighting.  It's very inspiring to me in light of everything that's been going on in my relationship with my husband lately, so I thought I'd share:

Above The Timberline, by Five For Fighting:

I get a little tired
Looking through the trees
Sitting on the 405
Hoping for a breeze

Everybody's gunning
You got something to see
I gotta sell this ticket
Get the shadow off of me

So what is your problem
You been moping around
You need to find a mountaintop
And get out of this town

She says sometimes
You gotta get away
Clear out that noggin
Open up the day

Above the timberline
The higher I go, the harder I climb
I'm closer to you
it's clear in my mind
Love shines bright
above the timberline

Things get slower
When it's harder to breath
I can almost touch the stars
That are hanging over me

You've never been more beautiful
And it's easy to see
All that really matters
you're all I'll ever need

I'm getting to the home
At the top of the world
Leading to realities
Up down at the curb

Oh the noise between us,
Now it can't be heard
I'm listening to the wind
I'm writing down the words

Above the timberline
The higher I go, the harder I climb
I'm closer to you
it's clear in my mind
Love shines bright
above the timberline

Now I'll be coming home,
I'll be coming home soon
Before I head on down
I'm gonna kiss the moon

Above the timberline
The higher I go, the harder I climb
I'm closer to you
it's clear in my mind
Love shines bright
above the timberline

Above the timberline
No heading up race, no
waiting in line
The farther I go
The harder you climb
Love shines bright
above the timberline

To my husband: I love you. So much. I know you can't see it, but I am making changes.  I'm learning to appreciate you. I'm learning what love is, and I'm learning how to love you. Please continue being patient with me.  It means a lot. More than you'll ever know.  Just remember that this is a journey, not a destination, as the old cliche says. I know that I've been in my own world for months now, but I promise you that I feel myself waking up and breaking out.  It's going to get better and it's going to be good, I can just feel it.

I love you.