Question of the day

How am I doing? How am I doing? Good question.  I'm trying to wean off the Zoloft and I'm having major issues with it.  Those who have been on Zoloft or other antidepressants might know what I'm talking about - I'm having what I can only describe as "zings."  When ever I look away too fast, or turn my head, or stretch, or anything and everything in between, I feel like for a split second my hand is asleep (that tingly feeling) all the way up my arm and into my face.  At the same time, my head "pulses" right behind my eyes. There, it just happened again! It's really annoying... and bothersome... I know I have some followers who are experts in the field; can anyone tell me the technical term for this and why it happens? Thanks!

The irritability is gone (for the most part); I feel pretty good, I guess.  A little stressed from starting a new job this week, and - completely unrelated - I have some doubts in my mind that I'm worrying about, maybe a tad depressed, but yes, the irritableness (is that a word?) is gone.  Funny that "worrying," "stressed" and "depressed" in my mind means feeling pretty good.  Sad, really. But compared to the constant on-edgeness (There! I know that's not a word!) I was feeling before, I'll take it!

I'm still really worried about my marriage.  And I'm constantly wondering if I'm doing something wrong.

I'm reading the Adult Children of Alcoholics "bible" right now, and it's bringing me a lot of insight and even comfort sometimes.  There's comfort in knowing that there's a reason for all my quirks. I still struggle with the ACA title sometimes because, really my parents don't drink.  But, as the book states:

... If alchohol or drugs were not a problem, your home may have been chaotic, unsafe, and lacking nurture like many alcoholic homes... [it can] also apply to adults growing up in homes where food, sex, workaholism or ultra-religious abuse occured. [emphasis added]

Yeah, that pretty much describes my family of origin.  If it describes yours, I'd check out the "bible."  It's really, really good so far.

And that's where I'm at right now.  Sort of caught in limbo, I think.

Thoughtful Thursday

Well, I didn't get emotional last week, but I sure as hell did get emotional this week.  Without going into too much detail, we talked about how I went from emotionally needy (growing up) to not (now).  We talked about why and when and how that change came about.  It's like I've gone from desperately seeking affection and attention, to desperately seeking solitude. Sort of related to this, we talked about being backed into corners, "damned if I do/damned if I don't" situations, or what the psychological world calls a "double bind."  The official definition of a double bind is:

"A psychological impasse created when contradictory demands are made of an individual, such as a child or an employee, so that no matter which directive is followed, the response will be construed as incorrect."

I seem to find myself caught in a lot of those in my life - where no matter what I do or choose or say, it's going to be somehow wrong to the other person.  It happened with my parents, and I have to say it happens a lot with my husband, too.

Sometimes I'm just completely baffled at life in general... how did I get here?  Where do I go from here? What am I doing wrong? What am I doing right? What paths should/shouldn't I choose? Is it wrong that sometimes I feel like I liked things the way they were before - behind my safe little wall, acting like people expected me to act - because at least it made them happy.

And then I find myself wondering and second guessing the reasons for my problems with intimacy.  What if - and this is a giant if - the problems aren't as much the issues from my past but my issues in the present?  What I mean is, what if it's like the age old question of the chicken and the egg?  What if my husband and I caused these issues with the warped relationship we've had since the beginning?  How do we fall in love with each other all over again as the people we are now, and leave the past in the past?

I wonder this because I told my therapist about a middle of the night heart to heart that my husband and I shared the other night.  My husband was feeling really worried about our marriage in general and I have to say that he made himself completely vulnerable to me.  He really let it all out, even though some of the things he said made me cringe.  But I was really relieved that for once I knew exactly how he felt about me and things in general.  So anyway, he made himself vulnerable, we had a really good talk and we both felt better afterwards.  But that's where our paths diverged, because after the talk I wanted to roll over and fall asleep in his arms, and he wanted to be intimate.  So I got on the defensive in my head and went through the normal battle that I always deal with around that, and I can only imagine what was going on in his head. 

Anyway... I didn't mean for this to be such a long rambling post and I apologize... I'm just having one of my "lost and confused" moments.

New job

I'm not quite sure how I'm feeling lately.  I definitely feel a little bit less irritable. That's nice... Can't really say that my motivation is up, but I've been really busy.

The main thing is that I just started a new job.  It's only part-time but it's causing me a lot of anxiety.  When I feel anxious about something, my first instinct is to run from it as fast as I can.  I'm not a fighter, I'm definitely a "flighter."  So that's the point I'm at right now - I'm trying to force myself over the hump until I start feeling comfortable at my new job.  And I'm trying to give myself goals to keep me focused.  For example, my husband said that I can use the money I earn to save up for a new laptop.  And we can also use the money to pay down our debt and then be able re-do our kitchen.

And I have to say, having a little financial freedom and not having to depend on my husband for money sounds very nice indeed.  Oh, and I can make my own hours and work from home - so I don't have to pay for childcare - well that's a perk too. It's a really good fit for me and my lifestyle, overall.

Does it sound to you like I'm trying to convince myself this is a good thing? Yeah, me too.

Holding Grudges and Power

One of the things I forgot to mention about yesterday's therapy appointment is that I hold grudges, and what that means about my personality.  She explained that there are two main types of relationships: the first type is a horizontal relationship, which is the healthy type since both partners are on a level playing field.  Both parties are completely equal.  The other type is vertical, meaning one person is at the top of the continuum and the other is at the bottom.  One party has all the power, and the other has little to no power in the relationship.

When I feel powerless in a relationship, one of the ways that I can exert some power over the person is to flip that plain over by holding a grudge.  Holding on to past wrongs allows me to have power over the other person.  When I do things like subconsciously withholding affection with my husband, that gives me power over him; it puts the ball in my court and gives me control.

Just knowing this about my personality is helpful in that it makes me aware of my behavior and why I do these things.  The problem is that old habits die hard and I'm not quite sure how to let go.  I need to learn to leave the past in the past and start looking forward.  Like everything else, I'm sure it's not going to happen over-night, and I realize that it's something I definitely have to work on, just like learning to set healthy boundaries, be honest and authentic, and express myself.

Thoughtful Thursday

Not really sure why but this was an emotional meeting for me.  I didn't cry but I did feel like I wanted to and I felt uncomfortable and very exposed.  I guess it's because I made the conscious effort to talk about me, rather than what's going on around me.  I feel like I use that defense mechanism too much and it's not doing me any good. 

So we talked about my marriage, specifically my aversion to affection - giving and receiving, my need for space, thinking that I'm not living up to expectations and some interactions and conversations my husband and I have had lately. 

We talked about how I'm irritated all the time.  I find I have one good week a month and the rest are crap.  I've been so bad lately that my son actually said to me yesterday, "Mom, thanks for not being mean to me today." How horrible is that? My therapist actually said that the silver lining to that cloud is that he feels that I'm approachable and safe. And it's true, I never would have said something like that to my own mother, but still... that's a comment I'm going to dwell on for a long time, I'm sure.

And it came up in the conversation that my husband has chastised me in the past for not wearing my seat belt, going so far as to tell me that he hopes I die if I ever go through the windshield rather than be a vegetable (or something along those lines), hoping that if he's hard on me that I'll wear my seat belt.  All wrong things with that sentiment aside, my therapist asked me why I don't wear my seat belt, and I didn't have a good answer for her.   At the end of my appointment, she said to me, "think about why you don't wear your seatbelt, because to me it's a self-care thing." 

It's true, I never thought of it that way before, but there it is.  I don't really care about myself that much. I don't think my life is worth saving sometimes, and it's almost as if I don't wear it specifically because I'm trying to tempt fate. How fucked up is that?

Couples Therapy Update

The husband and I had counseling together tonight.  On my side, my main point was that he can baffle me.  I never know what mood he's going to be in or what he wants from me. I know that this goes back to my childhood issues, but I always feel as if I don't quite measure up to his expectations of me.  And he won't tell me when I fail to meet his expectations or why he's mad or upset or anxious... he just gets angry and I'm left to guess what's wrong.  For example, if he wants me to do something with him - be it go for a walk, or give him some affection or whatever - he won't ask for it, he just waits around for me to, I don't know, read his mind or something, and when I don't "get" him, he gets mad.

On my husbands side - and this is what I "heard" when he was talking, so it's completely subjective - he's worried that we don't have anything in common, that I don't want to spend time with him and that I'm not attracted to him.  He thinks that he shouldn't have to ask for affection, I should just automatically want to hug or kiss him, and if he asks me, he feels like he's forcing me, which of course is a sore subject considering.

We spent a lot of time talking about how we shouldn't make broad generalizations about our relationship and we shouldn't assume or leave it to the other to guess what we're feeling.  We need to be more cognizant of how the other person processes things.  What for my husband might seem like encouragement, I may take as criticism. 

I have to say that I feel most of the conversation was focused on my husband and not on me. Don't get me wrong, I don't want it all focused on me, that's what I have my therapy on Thursdays for, but oftentimes I feel like I can't get a word in edgewise.  Oh well, I'm sure that my time will come and that I'll rue the day I ever said that.

Visit to the PNP

Well, here's the scoop... the PNP thinks that I had that one good week a few weeks ago because I was new to the Lamictal (mood stabilizer), and after that one week of elevated mood, I leveled off.  She doubled the dose of Lamictal, because she thinks that a too-low dose was causing my irritability and extreme moods.  She also thinks "less is more" might be better for me and is thinking that she'll eventually wean me off of the Abilify and the Zoloft.  She thinks that maybe the way I metabolize the Zoloft is causing an adverse reaction and that it could be that SSRIs aren't right for me, due to the fact that I've been on four different SSRIs in the past four years and none of them really worked.  I'm hoping, personally, that she's right and that I can come off Zoloft and Abilify totally and that the Lamictal at a higher dose can take care of my extreme moods. God I hope she's right. Please let her be right. 

So, the verdict is that I'm going to work my way up to 100mg in the morning and 100mg at night of the Lamictal (a total of 200mg/day, up from 100mg/day), and if that seems to work well, I can reduce my Zoloft from 50mg to 25mg daily. 

I'm not even remotely optimistic about this change - yet.  I'm taking more of a "wait and see" attitude with it for now. I don't dare get my hopes up. I see her again in a month.

Why "happy" mom blogs make me sick

Is anyone that happy all the time? The sticky-sweet optimism and perfection has to be deceiving.  What are they hiding? What skeletons lurk in their closets? No one can be that good of a house-keeper/mother/crafter/coupon clipper, right? Where do they find the time? What goes ignored so they can make adorable little centerpieces or cook organic gourmet meals from scratch or take over-exposed pictures with their ultra-expensive professional grade Nikon or Canon cameras of their perfect little children running through meadows?  Seriously. Are their marriages falling apart behind closed doors?  Do they ever lose their tempers with their kids? Are there piles of laundry or dirty dishes in the sink?  Have they gone unshowered for days?  Do they have secret addictions and/or mental illnesses?

I want to know.  I want to know why no one talks about the crap. Life is never far from perfect, so why do moms feel compelled to lie to themselves and others about how perfect they are?  Don't you think people would much rather know that a mom is human, that she can make mistakes, that sometimes she just counts down the minutes until bedtime? 

Personally, when I come across one of these "my-shit-don't-stink" blogs, I move right along.  I've read it all before.  They're all the same.  The blogs that grab me are the blogs where moms talk about daily struggles, warts and pimples and all.  Because I can relate to those.  I say, "hey, there's someone like me, she's had bad days, too, and come out stronger on the other side."  

For the sake of all that's sacred about women and motherhood, moms need to start being honest.  This isn't a competition.  Stop pretending that you're perfect because no one is buying it. 

Things fall apart

Why do I feel like things are falling apart around me? Things between my husband and I have been so incredibly tense lately.  I think, in fact I know, that he's at his breaking point with all of this.  Everything I do seems to bug him.  If I show him affection, he thinks it's faked.  If I don't show him affection, we end up pissy with each other.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  I've stopped trying to put on a happy face - one because I've out grown that, and two because I'm too damned depressed to even fake a smile - and that bugs the crap out of him.  I think he woke up one day and realized that I'm not the person he thought he married.  And it scares me. I've been trying to be perfect in every other way to try to make up for my shortcomings, but I think it's backfiring on me.  Because the more I take on, the more stressed I get, the more resentment I feel, and it just snowballs from there.

I look around me, see everything falling apart and going to shit and I realize that I'm smack dab in the middle of it all. I'm the common denominator.  Take me out of the equation and I think everything would be so much better for everyone. 

Don't worry, I'm not going to do anything about these thoughts... I'm too chicken anyway.  But often times I wonder if I hopped in the car and drove away, would anyone aside from my kids really be that upset about it?  People must be getting so sick of the "woe" that surrounds me.

Thought of the day

I just want to enjoy my kids again. 

That's not too much to ask, is it? I don't want to have to pretend just to get through the day. I don't want to mess them up.  I just want them to know how much I love them. I do love them so much and they're just kids, they're not perfect... nobody is.  They fight, they whine, they tattle-tale, they're rough with each other and the dog.  But I love them.  I want to be able to show them how much I love them, rather than barely tolerating them.  I think (I hope) that I'm doing a good job at pretending right now, but I know that kids (especially my kids) can be very perceptive. And they don't deserve a mom that's not 100% there. I cannot wait until my appointment on Monday.  Because this just plain sucks.

Thoughtful Thursday

We revisited the subject of "shades of gray" today.  As in, the inappropriate relationship with my brother wasn't malicious or even "abuse" in the strictest sense of the word.  We were just two relatively naive kids (at least I know I was... both my therapist and I suspect that something must have happened to him to have him act out like that... but anyway), just trying to get some affection, and it went too far. I go back and forth about this - on one hand, thinking about it this way makes me feel a little better because it means that it "wasn't that bad" and that my brother isn't a bad person.  On the other, it takes some of the blame off of him and puts some on me, regardless of the fact that I didn't know what I was doing.  Because neither did he, really. 

My husband thinks that there must be more than this, that I'm maybe repressing something, because he wants to know why this has affected me as much as it has over my lifetime.  My answer to that question? Honestly? I have no idea. I talked to my therapist about that today, too, and she doesn't think that I repressed anything.  She said that my memories are much to clear for that, except that I'm not sure how it started or stopped.

I know, I know, you're probably thinking that I've gone over this a thousand times in this blog... I'm trying to understand it, I really am.  It's probably something that I'll never have a clear answer for, but hence the shades of gray.

The other thing we discussed was my mood lately.  I'm becoming more and more depressed. Something isn't right with my meds.  And that's really bothering me.  I just want to feel normal and good for a change, and have it last longer than a week.  I'm so damned tired of feeling this way.  It's so bad that I've been considering coming off the medication all together.  My therapist told me that most people with my diagnosis have to tweak and re-tweak their meds for a year before they get it right. Not exactly something that I wanted to hear. 

I have an appointment with the PNP on Monday... I came up with a list of the things I want to tell her.

• I keep getting the "zings" - i.e. those little zaps you get when you skip a dose of Zoloft or something like that. Except that I haven't missed a dose.  I get the zings mostly in the morning, and it tends to go away as the day goes on.
• Irritable - I'm so damned irritable. Everything bugs me lately.  I can't even describe it.  Picture the worst PMS you've ever had, or the worst mood you've ever been in, and multiply it by 10 and that's how I've been feeling.  It's not just directed at the kids, or my husband, it's like an itch between my shoulder blades that I can't scratch, the proverbial hair across my ass.
• Depressed - self explanatory.  No motivation, the world is just flat and gray and nothing seems to make me happy these days.  
• Brain fog - I'm clumsy, tongue-tied, I move a little too slowly, my thought process seems to have come to a stand-still, and my memory is virtually non-existent.

I'd also like to tell her that in spite of all that, at least I'm sleeping well.  And I'm going to tell her that the best I've felt since starting antidepressants was when I was at 75mg Zoloft (I'm at 50 now) and that I was hypomanic at 150mg Zoloft - so I think something in between might work.

The positive side of the visit today was that my therapist thinks that I've had a lot of personal growth over the last year.  I agree - I've grown up a lot.  Thinking about that, I remember my therapist asking me last year how old I felt.  I said between 16-18. Makes sense when you figure that I was stuck there developmentally based on the relationship I used to have with my parents.  Now if you asked me I'd say that I feel like I'm pretty much true to my age.  Don't ask me to explain it... I just feel more mature, as silly as that sounds.  I feel more serious, more introspective, more congruent.

Oh, and last but not least... she showed me a book called The Good News About Depression.  The "good news" is that depression is biological - as in, I can't just pick myself up by the boot straps and move on.  Another gray area there for me. It's good because I can't just "get over it."  It's nothing that I'm doing wrong; I'm not weak.  And it's bad because I can't just "get over it." It's a thing I'm going to be struggling with for the rest. of. my. life. 

So yeah. This appointment was fully loaded from start to finish.

Power Within

I read something very powerful in the book I'm reading yesterday. The problem I find with self-help books is that there's a lot of theory and not a whole lot of practical advice.  That is, they tell you what your problem is, but not how to fix it.  I always crave step-by-step instructions on how to heal myself, how to find myself. As an example, Charles L. Whitfield's Healing The Child Within reiterates throughout the book that we must heal our inner child, find our inner child and nurture it, but I want to know how to do that.  This quote from Whitfield's Boundaries and Relationships really speaks to my need to know "how":

In recovery we get a second chance to retrace and complete the developmental tasks that we never got to finish before. But that chance is not given to us, because in recovery we can learn that no one else any longer determines our destiny. Rather, by our own motivation and by setting healthy boundaries, we create it. By choosing recovery and risking to be real, we set the healthy boundaries that say, "I am in charge of my recovery and my life, and no one else on this Earth is."

I have the power within me to be aware of the developmental tasks that I need to work on to be whole.  And once I'm aware of the things I need to work on, I can really start to change.  For instance, growing up there was never any clear modeling of healthy boundaries.  In my family, there was no clear delineation between where "I" ended and others began.  I was protecting myself by hiding the child within (as corny as that sounds) by trying to be what other's wanted me to be, because it was the only way I knew how to set myself apart.  It sounds counter-intuitive, but it makes sense if you really think about it.

So, as Whitfield says, in order to heal myself, bring that "child within" out of hiding, I have to risk being real and true to myself.  By setting healthy boundaries, and by being honest with myself and others about my needs and wants, I can learn that it's okay to be myself, to be my own entity, to be a whole, complete adult both in age and developmentally.  No pill, person or book is going to be soley responsible for my healing - although those will help along the way, I'm sure - but in the end, I have the power within to fix myself, and that thought is very empowering.

Sorting

I'm about a quarter of my way through the book Boundaries and Relationships: Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self, and I'm already feeling the need to sort through some thoughts. So I'm going to do some stream of consciousness writing in order to try to figure out some things. If it doesn't make much sense, that's because I'm still trying to figure it out myself.

The author, Charles Whitfield (and my therapist for that matter) describes boundaries like an invisible circle around us.  Those with little to no boundaries have giant gaps in our circles, letting invaders in to take advantage of us.  Those with rigid boundaries had a very tight, closed circle.  Those with healthy boundaries have a circle with small, appropriate gaps, letting healthy relationships in and keeping unhealthy ones out. Prior to going to therapy, I had very few personal boundaries.  That is, I let others dictate my likes, dislikes, personal space, moods, feelings, opinions, etc. I had huge gaps in my "circle."  In fact, I'd go so far to say that my circle was virtually non-existent. 

The problem was, I thought I was building up a wall around me so that people couldn't see in to the real me.  By being and acting what I thought others wanted from me, I figured that I could build up an armor around myself.  And by doing that, by letting others in to take over, I was left with nothing.  An empty shell.  A shell that was tough on the outside and empty on the inside.  I thought I had a closed circle, but in essence it had leaks all over it.  In other words, I thought I was protecting myself, but really what was happening was that I was letting people drain me dry. 

Now, I think I've flipped to the opposite end of the spectrum.  Instead of finding a healthy balance between no boundaries and rigid boundaries, I've resorted to letting no one in.  I'm more true to myself, and can advocate for my personal space - which I thought was considered healthy and strong - but in the process I've blocked out everyone around me - including family members who have nothing to do with past issues. It's like I don't want to let anyone in, for fear that if I do, I'll succumb to old habits.  So now I'm terrified of letting anyone in.

Hopefully by working through this book and discussing this subject with my therapist will teach me how to find a healthier, more balanced alternative. 

Social Awkwardness

The times where I'm most self-conscious and often beat myself up is when I'm in a social situation, whether with a close friend or a large group of people I don't know very well.  People will talk to me and I'm so worried about planning what I'm going to say next, or worried about being a good listener, or worried about sounding like a dork or saying the wrong thing, or just trying to slow down the panic I get in a social situation, that I have a hard time focusing on what the person is saying to me.  I'm afraid that they can see right through me - that I'm not listening very well, that I'm a dork or just someone not that fun to have around.  I hate silences, yet I suck at small talk.  I have a hard time putting thoughts into spoken words, and I'd much rather have the time to really think about what I'm going to say and put it down on paper (or on the computer) than spoken aloud.   I try to stop the rising panic and loathing of myself during these situations, but just trying to control it makes it worse, if that makes any sense.  And then the only thing I can think about is how I can make my escape, so I can go hide somewhere and revel in the silence. I wonder if I'm the only one who feels this way, or if there are others out there like me who experience similar panic in social situations.

Thoughtful Thursday - Black, White and Shades of Gray

Well, not really, because my therapy appointment was yesterday this week, but since I'm just getting the chance to post today, this'll do.

I need to remind myself of these when I'm feeling impatient or being hard on myself for not changing fast enough.

(Speaking of change, that just got me thinking. "Change."  I thought people couldn't change who they are? The more I think about it though, I realize that you can't change who you are inherently - as in, I can't change my sensitive nature, my shyness, my love of my kids and my husband. - but what I can change are the surface traits, like being able to use my voice, set boundaries, be honest with people and so on.

Anyway, back to the subject at hand: positive changes:

• I'm finding my voice. I'm finding it easier and easier to voice concerns, wants and needs. When I want or need something/from someone, I'm asking for it.  I'm not as afraid to make a phone call (which is huge for me). When I mean no, I say no (also huge), without beating around the bush or avoiding the problem.  Granted, this is definitely a work in progress; a lot of times I literally have to force the words out of my mouth, but the more I do it, the easier it is. Practice makes perfect, fake it 'till you make it, right?
• I'm more open to change. I'm willing to try new techniques in my relationships.  I'm letting go of old habits in terms of communication and dealing with every day life. I never realized how change-averse I am.  Knowing is half the battle, as GI Joe's PSA once said, and just being aware about my control issues is helping me to let go of them.
• Relationships.  My therapist is helping me to see that I never had healthy relationships modeled to me growing up.  My mom was depressed, my dad is very much a home-body, self-conscious and shy, so it was very rare for me to see healthy friendships modeled.  And since my mom was depressed, I never saw a healthy marriage or interaction with her children modeled.  Not to mention the fact that I looked for love wherever I could, leading to the inappropriate relationship/molestation/abuse/incest/whatever-we're-calling-it-this week.  But for the intents of this post, by "relationships," I mean that I'm starting to realize how valuable it is to have good friends, to have healthy boundaries and to surround myself with people who like me for who I am. Also, I shouldn't be so hard on myself when I blunder in a relationship because for me, navigating around one is like fumbling around in the dark looking for the light switch.  I'm just starting to figure this out and I need to cut myself some slack.
• Black, White and Shades of Gray.  My parents and others close to me are very much black and white when it comes to life.  I can't blame them, because until recently, I thought/acted the same way.  I'm just starting to realize that life isn't black and white. Ever.  Things and people aren't always all good or all bad.  People don't change who they are, automatically, over night.  There are seldom miracle cures when it come to habits that have been ingrained for years.  I don't have to pick one way or the other. There are many shades of gray, many choices in between available to me.  There are many different roads to recovery, to finding myself, to growth.  And I need to remind myself to be patient, that major change takes time, a lot of hard work, and expect that there will be some setbacks along the way.

Book Review: Borderlines: A Memoir

Borderlines: A Memoir by Caroline Kraus My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Amazing, insightful read. Suggested by my therapist.

Wow. What a powerful book, especially for me. You see, I recently had a friend like this. Well, a very mild case, comparatively speaking. The book was a memoir by a woman whose best friend had a borderline personality disorder, at the very least. This friend completely steamrolled over the author, breaking every boundary, being completely inappropriate, basically taking over the author's entire life.

The book told of how this sort of thing can happen - that people with Borderline Personality Disorder can be very charismatic, very charming, they'll make you feel like you're the most important person in the world, but they're also very manipulative, and they'll take more than they give, all the while making you believe the opposite. This inappropriate, no-boundaries, toxic relationship got to the point where the author completely lost all sense of self. She felt so trapped and empty that she resorted to self-harm as a way to deal with the insanity and sense of being out of control.

It really reiterated to me what can happen if one doesn't set appropriate, healthy boundaries with the "strong" personalities in our lives. It showed me what my life could have been (albeit an extreme example) had I not cut a toxic friendship out of my life recently.

Quotes that I found powerful:

In describing Borderline Personality Disorder: "... such individuals may exhibit frantic efforts to avoid real or imaginary abandonment, sudden shifts in mood, inappropriate anger, and self-destructive acts... uncertainty in things like sexual orientation, career choice, friendships, moral values... bright, witty, charming and creative... charismatic and highly manipulative."

"I wanted to shout - to anyone who would listen - that things were falling out of place in my head, that my confidence was gone, that I went home from work and crawled into bed, that nothing gave me pleasure anymore, not food, movies, books or friends. That the place where I was standing was vast and hollow, and there wasn't another soul in sight.

"Millions of souls have stood where we are, and millions more will come after.

Keep moving.

Because the human mind is tricky.

And we ought not to linger in its dark places."

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