Here it is folks, another edition of Thoughtful Thursday. :)
We talked about self-esteem issues. Firstly, where they came from. I told her about the "voices" in my head telling me that I'm worthless and judging everything I do. She wanted to know where those voices come from. I said they came from my parents. I told her that my memories of growing up were always punishment or criticism for the things I did wrong, not praise for what I did right (unless it was something religious in nature). I felt like every step, every word, every deed would be judged, and now I judge myself.
She asked me if I'm the same way with my kids. Of course not! At least I don't feel like it. If anything, I praise too much. I'm constantly commenting on good manners, or a great picture they drew, or cleaning up their rooms, being a good listener, playing nicely with each other, etc. I mean, I can't say I never criticize, I'm not perfect, but I do feel like I offer positive reinforcement more times than not.
My therapist pointed out that the only way to change my self-esteem was through myself. Only I can do it. But she said that it starts with parenting myself. I need to take that positive reinforcement that I give to my kids and do it for me, as well. I can't look to others for that positive feedback, because it won't always come. Plus, that's looking outside of me for what I need. Like I said, only I can fix myself from the inside out.
In the meantime, she told me to act "as if." Meaning, if I don't have the confidence to accomplish something, act as if I do have the confidence, and eventually, along with time and patience and reinforcement by parenting myself, I'll grow and the self-esteem will come.
We also talked about how difficult situations come into our lives for a reason - to help us grow and be a stronger a better person. I need to remember that when someone oversteps a boundary, or when I need to be assertive at work. If I view it as a learning experience, it makes being assertive a little easier to take.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Learning to be
I am afraid to show you who I really am, because if I show you who I really am, you might not like it--and that's all I got. ~Sabrina Ward Harrison
I'm pretty sure that the new medication and doses are starting to do the trick in terms of my moods, but what I've noticed since I've "evened out" is that although I'm not depressed (or without the "highs"), I still feel pretty crappy about myself. I still feel worthless and my self-esteem is still shot. I don't even know what it's like to feel confident or good about myself (the only times I did feel really good about myself, I was most likely in a hypomanic episode, in hindsight).
I have these arguments in my head - I know that I do have strong qualities and people do love me for who I am, but the person inside my head has me convinced that they're all wrong and mistaken. I know who I am, and still feel like I have the rest of the world fooled. The problem is that this is something I've battled with my entire life - feeling like I'm not deserving of respect and love - and even though I've made many positive changes in my life, deep down I still feel pretty low on the totem pole. I don't know... does that mean I really am still depressed? I don't feel depressed, I just simply don't think that I'm a good person.
I've been thinking about this a lot this week, because I'm evening out and can start focusing on things I need to work on again. This is the thing I chose that I think needs improvement. I know, I picked a pretty hefty thing to work on, didn't I? But when have you ever known me to start small? And besides, until I have this figured out, I can't really fix anything else. It's like putting the cart before the horse.
The problem is, how do you go about retraining your brain like this? It's definitely something I need to bring up in therapy tomorrow, I think. Also, a friend suggested some reading on meditation and self-affirmations, I can't wait to start reading up on that. I think that once I feel at peace with who I am, and at peace with my past, I can truly be happy in every sense of the word.
I'm pretty sure that the new medication and doses are starting to do the trick in terms of my moods, but what I've noticed since I've "evened out" is that although I'm not depressed (or without the "highs"), I still feel pretty crappy about myself. I still feel worthless and my self-esteem is still shot. I don't even know what it's like to feel confident or good about myself (the only times I did feel really good about myself, I was most likely in a hypomanic episode, in hindsight).
I have these arguments in my head - I know that I do have strong qualities and people do love me for who I am, but the person inside my head has me convinced that they're all wrong and mistaken. I know who I am, and still feel like I have the rest of the world fooled. The problem is that this is something I've battled with my entire life - feeling like I'm not deserving of respect and love - and even though I've made many positive changes in my life, deep down I still feel pretty low on the totem pole. I don't know... does that mean I really am still depressed? I don't feel depressed, I just simply don't think that I'm a good person.
I've been thinking about this a lot this week, because I'm evening out and can start focusing on things I need to work on again. This is the thing I chose that I think needs improvement. I know, I picked a pretty hefty thing to work on, didn't I? But when have you ever known me to start small? And besides, until I have this figured out, I can't really fix anything else. It's like putting the cart before the horse.
The problem is, how do you go about retraining your brain like this? It's definitely something I need to bring up in therapy tomorrow, I think. Also, a friend suggested some reading on meditation and self-affirmations, I can't wait to start reading up on that. I think that once I feel at peace with who I am, and at peace with my past, I can truly be happy in every sense of the word.
Monday, September 27, 2010
An Epiphany... of sorts
This morning I had a revelation. In the past, if I had to ask for something that was, by right, mine, I'd still feel incredible guilt in asking for it. Today, without going into any detail in order to protect my identity, I had to be assertive and ask for something. It's a thing I've been waiting for about a month now, and it's something that's by all rights mine. I earned it. And it's being withheld from me for whatever reason. And you know what? As a matter of fact, I think it's a boundary violation as well, because they are essentially trying to walk all over me.
I've been making excuses for these people for almost 3 weeks now, and everyone was telling me I needed to do something about it, but even the thought of asking for it was making me anxious and, yes, I'm ashamed to admit, guilty. I figured there was some mistake, that I was being silly, that I should give them more time, etc. The reasons went on and on.
And I complained about it. A lot. This is something I do all the time. I get burnt by someone, then complain to anyone who'll listen, but I won't do anything about it. It must drive my family and friends crazy.
But then, this morning, I realized something. The disorganization and lack of foresight of these people is not my fault. There's no reason to feel guilty or silly for something that has nothing to do with me. This is their mistake, not mine. I should have a modicum of self-respect and stop letting them take advantage of me. Doesn't mean that the anxiety over being assertive wasn't there, but at least I don't feel guilty about it. So without putting it off any longer I forced myself to sit down and draft an email and then send it out. I felt the fear and did it anyway. That's a very empowering thing. Because the longer I put it off, the more terrifying and horrible it felt in my mind.
I don't know what's going to happen next, but I can bet that whatever the outcome is will be better than complaining about it on the outside, yet all the while beating myself up on the inside, just like I've done in the past, for simply sitting there and taking it.
Feel the Fear . . . and Do It Anyway
I've been making excuses for these people for almost 3 weeks now, and everyone was telling me I needed to do something about it, but even the thought of asking for it was making me anxious and, yes, I'm ashamed to admit, guilty. I figured there was some mistake, that I was being silly, that I should give them more time, etc. The reasons went on and on.
And I complained about it. A lot. This is something I do all the time. I get burnt by someone, then complain to anyone who'll listen, but I won't do anything about it. It must drive my family and friends crazy.
But then, this morning, I realized something. The disorganization and lack of foresight of these people is not my fault. There's no reason to feel guilty or silly for something that has nothing to do with me. This is their mistake, not mine. I should have a modicum of self-respect and stop letting them take advantage of me. Doesn't mean that the anxiety over being assertive wasn't there, but at least I don't feel guilty about it. So without putting it off any longer I forced myself to sit down and draft an email and then send it out. I felt the fear and did it anyway. That's a very empowering thing. Because the longer I put it off, the more terrifying and horrible it felt in my mind.
I don't know what's going to happen next, but I can bet that whatever the outcome is will be better than complaining about it on the outside, yet all the while beating myself up on the inside, just like I've done in the past, for simply sitting there and taking it.
Feel the Fear . . . and Do It Anyway
Friday, September 24, 2010
Believe
One of the things that I've really struggled with over this past year of self-awareness is my belief in a higher power. I was raised Catholic, and there was no questioning anything when it came to religious beliefs. It just wasn't an option. Now that I'm trying to figure out who I am as a person, I've been questioning everything, and religion and politics are right up there.
What it comes down to is this: I'm agnostic at best, atheist at worst. I struggle with praying to God for favors. God has done me no favors in the past. I struggle with the idea of a benevolent God looking down at us from pillowy clouds just as much as I struggle with the idea of the fire-and-brimstone God I grew up believing in.
I also struggle with religion in general - if there is a God, what makes one religion any better than another? All I've ever seen religion accomplish is division. I grew up believing that anyone not Catholic was going to hell. Didn't matter if they were never even exposed to Catholicism, they'd go straight to hell, do not pass go, do not collect $200. Other people I know insist that I'll go to heaven as long as I "accept Jesus Christ as my personal savior," which seems a little to easy, if you ask me. I have trouble believing in hell.
If there is a higher power, I don't exactly envision a man in a long white robe with a beard. I don't think he (or she) is an entity at all.
I know that people probably think this is blasphemous, and maybe I need to really do some soul-searching and/or reading up on world religions before I blow them off, because really, I don't have much experience with other religions aside from Catholicism. But my upbringing put such a bad taste for religion in my mouth that I haven't been able to motivate myself to look into it.
So if you care to make a case for your beliefs, please feel free to leave me a comment, books on the subject are always welcome.
What it comes down to is this: I'm agnostic at best, atheist at worst. I struggle with praying to God for favors. God has done me no favors in the past. I struggle with the idea of a benevolent God looking down at us from pillowy clouds just as much as I struggle with the idea of the fire-and-brimstone God I grew up believing in.
I also struggle with religion in general - if there is a God, what makes one religion any better than another? All I've ever seen religion accomplish is division. I grew up believing that anyone not Catholic was going to hell. Didn't matter if they were never even exposed to Catholicism, they'd go straight to hell, do not pass go, do not collect $200. Other people I know insist that I'll go to heaven as long as I "accept Jesus Christ as my personal savior," which seems a little to easy, if you ask me. I have trouble believing in hell.
If there is a higher power, I don't exactly envision a man in a long white robe with a beard. I don't think he (or she) is an entity at all.
I know that people probably think this is blasphemous, and maybe I need to really do some soul-searching and/or reading up on world religions before I blow them off, because really, I don't have much experience with other religions aside from Catholicism. But my upbringing put such a bad taste for religion in my mouth that I haven't been able to motivate myself to look into it.
So if you care to make a case for your beliefs, please feel free to leave me a comment, books on the subject are always welcome.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Thoughtful Thursday
I know that I must be starting to feel better when I start thinking that maybe I can deal with seeing my therapist every other week instead of every week. The thing is, I might have to start doing that after the first of the year anyway, because my husband's insurance is changing and the new one may not have "parity" (which is the concept that mental health care costs should be reimbursed by insurance companies at the same percentage, i.e., “on parity with” regular health care costs) that our current plan supports. So that means that our new plan may only allow every-other week visits at the maximum. I guess I'll put that in the "wait and see" drawer for now. I know it's going to happen eventually that I won't feel the need to see her every week, and I wonder how I'll know "it's time."
Anyway, we, of course, talked about my mom a lot today, and I already went over my feelings around that in my last post, so I won't go all redundant on you (this time!). More importantly, though, I think I figured out why I don't cry at this therapist but always cry at the marriage therapist. My therapist offers practical advice for handling everyday situations. The marriage counselor looks at me with such concern on her face that I just burst into tears if she looks me in the eye. Not to mention the fact that I feel so much more vulnerable in her office with my husband sitting right there. I feel safer (obviously) at my own therapist because I've been seeing her almost every week for over a year now. And when I'm feeling vulnerable, I cry. So there you go.
Anyway, we, of course, talked about my mom a lot today, and I already went over my feelings around that in my last post, so I won't go all redundant on you (this time!). More importantly, though, I think I figured out why I don't cry at this therapist but always cry at the marriage therapist. My therapist offers practical advice for handling everyday situations. The marriage counselor looks at me with such concern on her face that I just burst into tears if she looks me in the eye. Not to mention the fact that I feel so much more vulnerable in her office with my husband sitting right there. I feel safer (obviously) at my own therapist because I've been seeing her almost every week for over a year now. And when I'm feeling vulnerable, I cry. So there you go.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Overwhelmed and confused
I saw my parents. My mom had me in tears (she always manages to do that). She told me that she's sorry if she ever put any unreasonable expectations on me. She doesn't remember doing that, she was just trying to do the right thing. She said she spent so much time trying to be perfect on her end, that she didn't enjoy her kids. She said that she never had to worry about me because I always was so good, such a sweetheart and never any trouble.
I don't know what to think. I get so emotional when I think about it. On one hand, I am so happy that she apologized, even though she doesn't remember expecting perfection out of me (although, truthfully, I don't know a time when I didn't expect perfection out of myself), on the other hand, her above confessions about her trying to be perfect, expecting perfection out of herself, and saying that I was always so good that she didn't need to worry about me... well, I think it's very telling, don't you? If I was perfect, if I lived up to the expectations that she couldn't fill in her own life, well then she'd love me and appreciate me. She was so self-involved when I was growing up that I'd do just about anything to get her attention and win her praise.
It makes me sad about the loss I experienced trying to be so perfect and so good. I don't know whether to be happy or sad about the visit. I was so overwhelmed I almost contemplated calling my therapist and asking if she'd see me earlier, but I think I can hold out until Thursday.
I don't know what to think. I get so emotional when I think about it. On one hand, I am so happy that she apologized, even though she doesn't remember expecting perfection out of me (although, truthfully, I don't know a time when I didn't expect perfection out of myself), on the other hand, her above confessions about her trying to be perfect, expecting perfection out of herself, and saying that I was always so good that she didn't need to worry about me... well, I think it's very telling, don't you? If I was perfect, if I lived up to the expectations that she couldn't fill in her own life, well then she'd love me and appreciate me. She was so self-involved when I was growing up that I'd do just about anything to get her attention and win her praise.
It makes me sad about the loss I experienced trying to be so perfect and so good. I don't know whether to be happy or sad about the visit. I was so overwhelmed I almost contemplated calling my therapist and asking if she'd see me earlier, but I think I can hold out until Thursday.
My Lovely Blog Award
I received this blog award from a new follower from Mom Bloggers Club. She hails from the blog Home Business GPS. Thanks so much Leigh! I am honored!
Here's the thing... I just added a new page to my blog: My BlogRoll. These are all blogs that I read on a regular basis and think that you should check them out as well. So instead of posting 15 blogs, I invite you to check out the blogs on my BlogRoll. Those are my official nominations.
In order to accept the award, there are a few rules.
1. Accept the award.
(Post it on your blog with the name of the person
who has granted the award and his or her blog link.)
2. Pay it forward to 15 other bloggers that you have newly discovered.
3. Contact those blog owners and let them know they’ve been chosen.
Here's the thing... I just added a new page to my blog: My BlogRoll. These are all blogs that I read on a regular basis and think that you should check them out as well. So instead of posting 15 blogs, I invite you to check out the blogs on my BlogRoll. Those are my official nominations.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
The things I notice
I told my husband a few weeks ago when we were at marriage counseling that seeing him playing with the kids is one of the ways I know I love him. The example was one night after dinner he got down on the floor with my daughter and played dolls. It sounds like such a simple thing to do, but this time I took a moment to appreciate that one simple act and it filled my heart up. I think he took that example to heart because after I said that, he's done a lot of things like that. He now reads them stories every night before bed. He bought my daughter a princess wand making set and he's going to do that with her later today. We went mini-golfing one night and we're planning on going pumpkin picking and apple picking sometime soon.
I just wanted to share that I noticed those things and appreciate them. Also, I wonder if this means that the depression has finally lifted. I mean, before I never would have noticed those things. I only noticed the negative.
On my end, it shows that I'm really trying to live moment to moment, like I've talked about in another post. It's a conscious thing right now, but (AND!) I'm sure that it'll turn into a habit before long.
I just wanted to share that I noticed those things and appreciate them. Also, I wonder if this means that the depression has finally lifted. I mean, before I never would have noticed those things. I only noticed the negative.
On my end, it shows that I'm really trying to live moment to moment, like I've talked about in another post. It's a conscious thing right now, but (AND!) I'm sure that it'll turn into a habit before long.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Responsibility
Did you ever feel the urge to write but you just have no idea what to write about? That's where I am right now. We had marriage counseling today. It was not fun. As an aside - why the hell do I bawl at every appointment? Anyway...
So yeah... I could go into what happened today, but to make a long story short, it started with us saying that nothing happened over the past week - that it was a pretty quiet week, in fact - and ended with me in tears and my husband nearly tearing his hair out. Apparently we have some major communication problems. He said something I deemed not supportive and condescending, and he thought was supportive and encouraging. Yeah... opposite, right?
I think what it comes down to is that (and the therapist actually said this, I'm just agreeing with her) we both come from very different backgrounds and we're bringing our own histories into our marriage right now. For me, personally, because I felt like I was never living up to the expectations of my parents, because they demeaned me (regardless of whether it was intentional or not) and because of the fact that they expected me to be "perfect," any time someone calls me on something - whether constructive criticism or otherwise - I get my back up and go on the defensive. I hate it when people think I'm anything but perfect.
Not saying it's all my fault. ;)
I just want to take responsibility for my part in it.
So yeah... I could go into what happened today, but to make a long story short, it started with us saying that nothing happened over the past week - that it was a pretty quiet week, in fact - and ended with me in tears and my husband nearly tearing his hair out. Apparently we have some major communication problems. He said something I deemed not supportive and condescending, and he thought was supportive and encouraging. Yeah... opposite, right?
I think what it comes down to is that (and the therapist actually said this, I'm just agreeing with her) we both come from very different backgrounds and we're bringing our own histories into our marriage right now. For me, personally, because I felt like I was never living up to the expectations of my parents, because they demeaned me (regardless of whether it was intentional or not) and because of the fact that they expected me to be "perfect," any time someone calls me on something - whether constructive criticism or otherwise - I get my back up and go on the defensive. I hate it when people think I'm anything but perfect.
Not saying it's all my fault. ;)
I just want to take responsibility for my part in it.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Thoughtful Thursday
Today we talked about all the stressors in my life right now. New job, crazy job, working from home are at the top of the list. I also have a mentally ill extended family member who has some major health problems right now and how I should handle that because in the past they've left it up to me (not my siblings) to take care of people. Not to mention that I'm closest in proximity to this family member. I do love this person, and would love to help out in any way I can, I'm just afraid of being walked over again - by my immediate family. I feel guilty saying this, but I don't think this is my responsibility. On the other hand, I didn't find out about this until later that day, and I'm assuming that I was the last to know. I also had to call them for more details and they were supposed to call me when it was okay to go visit him in the hospital, and they haven't. I don't even know if he's out of ICU yet.
But anyway, that's the gist of what we talked about today. I also mentioned that I was upset that my sister is doing so well and I'm not. It's like the balance has flipped. I was on top and she was on the bottom. Then I stepped back from being her caretaker and now she's on top and I'm on the bottom. How the hell does that happen? It doesn't make much sense to me. Yet my parents don't even realize it - they have no idea about the abuse, the bipolar II and PTSD diagnoses, the fact that my husband and I are in marriage counseling... none of it. And I'd certainly like to keep it that way, but I wonder if I'd get the support I long for if they knew.
Anyway, other than being stressed about this job and not being able to keep up with all that's going on in my life, I think things are going... okay. Definitely not where I think I'll end up, but I think the depression and irritability are starting to wear away, thank God. That's got to be the drugs I'm on because I absolutely have the reasons to be stressed and wired for sound.
I just have to hang on to this cliff for a little while longer.
But anyway, that's the gist of what we talked about today. I also mentioned that I was upset that my sister is doing so well and I'm not. It's like the balance has flipped. I was on top and she was on the bottom. Then I stepped back from being her caretaker and now she's on top and I'm on the bottom. How the hell does that happen? It doesn't make much sense to me. Yet my parents don't even realize it - they have no idea about the abuse, the bipolar II and PTSD diagnoses, the fact that my husband and I are in marriage counseling... none of it. And I'd certainly like to keep it that way, but I wonder if I'd get the support I long for if they knew.
Anyway, other than being stressed about this job and not being able to keep up with all that's going on in my life, I think things are going... okay. Definitely not where I think I'll end up, but I think the depression and irritability are starting to wear away, thank God. That's got to be the drugs I'm on because I absolutely have the reasons to be stressed and wired for sound.
I just have to hang on to this cliff for a little while longer.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Meds update
I had an appointment with my PNP today. She's upping the Lamictal (again) to 150mg morning and night (combined 300mg) to combat the irritability. If that doesn't work within a few weeks, she'll up my Abilify to 4mg. God, I hope this works. On a high note, I don't think I'm depressed anymore. Anxious and overwhelmed - yes - depressed, no. I'm overwhelmed because of the job situation. As is usually the case for me, I have trouble saying no so they piled a ton of work on me already. Ugh, so that's something I have to figure out but at least it's situational...
Sunday, September 12, 2010
In the moment
"The ability to be in the present moment is a major component of mental wellness." ~Abraham Maslow
I think this is a message that both my husband and I have to learn and live. I think that we both live too much in the past and look too much to the future and forget to live each day moment to moment. It's unhealthy to live in the past. It's unrealistic to look too forward into the future. If we live for the moment, in the moment, we can let go of past hurts. We free ourselves when we let go of the stress and worries of the future. We can stop beating ourselves up about who we were in the past and who we'll be in the future, and just accept who we are at this moment.
I'm guilty of living too much in the past. Dwelling on things that caused me to be dysfunctional, dwelling on and holding grudges over people who have wronged me in the past. My husband is guilty of focusing to much on the future - what will be, prophecies of what's going to happen to him financially, or in our relationship, or in our family, or being successful/failing in his career.
In other words, we need to come together in the middle and just focus on who we are, or what's going on in this present moment in time. I think doing this will draw us closer together as a couple, and will open up a new awareness of the life we're living right now, and what we can fix in the moment.
I think this is a message that both my husband and I have to learn and live. I think that we both live too much in the past and look too much to the future and forget to live each day moment to moment. It's unhealthy to live in the past. It's unrealistic to look too forward into the future. If we live for the moment, in the moment, we can let go of past hurts. We free ourselves when we let go of the stress and worries of the future. We can stop beating ourselves up about who we were in the past and who we'll be in the future, and just accept who we are at this moment.
I'm guilty of living too much in the past. Dwelling on things that caused me to be dysfunctional, dwelling on and holding grudges over people who have wronged me in the past. My husband is guilty of focusing to much on the future - what will be, prophecies of what's going to happen to him financially, or in our relationship, or in our family, or being successful/failing in his career.
In other words, we need to come together in the middle and just focus on who we are, or what's going on in this present moment in time. I think doing this will draw us closer together as a couple, and will open up a new awareness of the life we're living right now, and what we can fix in the moment.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Present
Gosh, I was reading my last few posts and I'm such a downer lately. But then again, when am I not? I wish that I could come up with some positive things to post about, and tell everyone how good I've been doing lately, but I'd be lying to you and to myself. And since this blog is intended to talk about where I'm at and where I'm going, well, I don't want to "piss down your back and tell you it's raining" as the old saying goes. There have been some good moments, I'll admit, but they're moments and I'm looking for days. So bear with me, readers, I promise to you and to myself that it'll get better.
For now, I'm trying to be present, to live in the moment and not dwell on the past. Do you know how hard that is? It's hard to let go of all the past hurts and slights and dysfunctions. I also think it's hard on the people around me when they see a completely different person standing in front of them. I used to act all bubbly and happy-go-lucky and chatty and life-of-the-party. Now I'm so much more reserved and quiet. I find that people are looking at me funny and wondering what's wrong, when really it's just that I'm introspective. Don't get me wrong, I'm feeling pretty miserable right now, but I'm not pretending that everything is fine anymore and I think it's really starting to be noticed.
I can't (won't) dwell on that though. If people can't accept me for who I really am, well, that's their problem, not mine. And again, I need to keep moving forward. As is always the case, practice makes perfect. I won't get there over-night, but here's hoping that I will get there sooner or later.
For now, I'm trying to be present, to live in the moment and not dwell on the past. Do you know how hard that is? It's hard to let go of all the past hurts and slights and dysfunctions. I also think it's hard on the people around me when they see a completely different person standing in front of them. I used to act all bubbly and happy-go-lucky and chatty and life-of-the-party. Now I'm so much more reserved and quiet. I find that people are looking at me funny and wondering what's wrong, when really it's just that I'm introspective. Don't get me wrong, I'm feeling pretty miserable right now, but I'm not pretending that everything is fine anymore and I think it's really starting to be noticed.
I can't (won't) dwell on that though. If people can't accept me for who I really am, well, that's their problem, not mine. And again, I need to keep moving forward. As is always the case, practice makes perfect. I won't get there over-night, but here's hoping that I will get there sooner or later.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Thoughtful Thursday
I can't even put a coherent thought together today, so you're going to have to deal with bullet points:
- I'm tired of feeling like crap
- tired of being irritated
- tired of being tired
- tired of feeling overwhelmed
- just for once I'd like feel spoiled (as immature as that sounds)
- I'm tired of robbing Peter to pay Paul when it comes to stuff around the house, work and children.
- I'm tired of wanting to run away when things get tough.
- I'm tired of feeling paranoid that people don't like me
- I'm sick of wanting what I can't have
- I just want to be happy
- I want/need a nice, even personality to offset my all-over-the-place one.
- I'm so pissed that my sister showed up the other day, 7 months' sobriety under her belt, talking about how wonderful her life is now, and I felt... jealous. My life is a wreck and she's doing just fine. I know that that's just petty and mean, but that's what I feel.
Friday, September 3, 2010
What the word "intimacy" means to me
As homework for couples therapy this week, T told us to think about what intimacy means to each of us. I've been giving it a lot of thought because to me, intimacy doesn't really mean sex. I think it's a part of it, but not the whole. And certainly not even a small part. To me, intimacy is more emotional than physical. It means leaving myself completely vulnerable to him, to know that I'm not going to be judged or ridiculed and that he accepts me for who I am. It means that I can tell him anything and everything, and hold nothing back. It means that I can be mad, or depressed, or irritated, or sad and know that he will be there for me no matter what. It means feeling safe enough to share my deepest darkest feelings. It means feeling loved without a doubt in my mind. It means having no walls. It means looking into his eyes and seeing love. It means having serious discussions, in which each partner is equal and respected. It means sharing a joke without saying a word. It means being able to have comfortable silences. It means trust. It means being comfortable with having alone time. It means even when we fight, that we fight fair and there's no hitting below the belt. It means knowing without a doubt that your loved one will never leave you.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Confused
Sorry I've been missing in action. I've just been battling through the withdrawal symptoms from Zoloft. Man, they don't advertise this shit. "Zaps" (referred to in my last post), dizziness, irritability, fatigue... I've experienced the whole gamut of them. Lovely. I think I've gone through the worst of it, though, thank the good Lord. I've actually felt less irritated today than I have in a long time. Other than that, I've had a couple of doozie fights with my husband, where some really mean things were said, and which I'll certainly bring up in couples therapy on Friday. Suffice it to say that I didn't get any sleep at all on Saturday night. Also lovely. Oh, and before I forget, there'll be no Thoughtful Thursday because my counselor is on vacation.
On the psychological side, I'm confused. I don't know whether my issues with intimacy, relationships and being closed down emotionally are because of past hurts from my husband that I'm having trouble letting go of, from the past abuse by my brother, or whether it's because of my uber-religious upbringing. Or maybe it's a combination of all three. Or maybe it's none of the above. I mean, any one of those things sounds pretty benign by itself; I can't figure out why whatever it is is affecting me so much. Not to mention more lately than ever before. I used to think it's because I finally admitted stuff about my past and it was close to the surface. And also that I refuse to pretend anymore, but my husband has me doubting myself on that. I don't know why I'm looking for a reason... I guess I'm hoping that a reason will help me to move on and move forward.
On the psychological side, I'm confused. I don't know whether my issues with intimacy, relationships and being closed down emotionally are because of past hurts from my husband that I'm having trouble letting go of, from the past abuse by my brother, or whether it's because of my uber-religious upbringing. Or maybe it's a combination of all three. Or maybe it's none of the above. I mean, any one of those things sounds pretty benign by itself; I can't figure out why whatever it is is affecting me so much. Not to mention more lately than ever before. I used to think it's because I finally admitted stuff about my past and it was close to the surface. And also that I refuse to pretend anymore, but my husband has me doubting myself on that. I don't know why I'm looking for a reason... I guess I'm hoping that a reason will help me to move on and move forward.
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