Be Thankful

In honor of Thanksgiving as we celebrate it in the United States, here is a list of the things that I'm thankful for:

• My two beautiful, sweet, kind and funny kids - I must be doing something right because they're just amazing little human beings. Every day I strive to be a better person in part because of them.
• My husband.  This journey of mine hasn't been easy on him yet he stays right by my side and is trying so hard to be there for me.  It doesn't go unnoticed.
• Friends.  I have several "real life" friends that I've entrusted to share this blog. You know who you are.  I shared with you because I trust you with my deepest darkest secrets.  Yet it didn't scare you away.  On the contrary, it brought us closer and I am forever grateful to you. 
• Three amazing counselors who refuse to give up on me.
• All of my online friends and readers of this blog, who have pulled me back from the brink so many times just with a kind word or a virtual hug.
• Amazing in-laws who love me unconditionally.
• Books. 
• Personal growth.  This journey has been far from easy, but I'm learning so much and I'm becoming so much stronger.  I am proud of the progress I've made.
• and last but not least: Chocolate. ;)

Be Thankful 

Author Unknown

Be thankful that you don't already have everything you desire.
If you did, what would there be to look forward to?

Be thankful when you don't know something,
for it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful for the difficult times.
During those times you grow.

Be thankful for your limitations,
because they give you opportunities for improvement.

Be thankful for each new challenge,
because it will build your strength and character.

Be thankful for your mistakes.
They will teach you valuable lessons.

Be thankful when you're tired and weary,
because it means you've made a difference.

It's easy to be thankful for the good things.
A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who
are also thankful for the setbacks.

Gratitude can turn a negative into a positive.
Find a way to be thankful for your troubles,
and they can become your blessings.

EMDR Update

I forgot to write about how EMDR went this week.  I really think I'm warming up to the idea.  This appointment went really well and I swear I came out of there feeling a little better about myself. She showed me the different tools used in EMDR including eye-scan and audio scan (to see what some of the tools look like, check out this). 

We actually started EMDR to work on some self-esteem issues I have.  I held these two pulsing tablets in either hand and they vibrated back and forth while I talked.  She had me write down four words she'd use to describe me from the short time we've been meeting. 

I can't remember the fourth word for the life of me, but the other three were "Intelligent/self care," "spontaneous" and "courageous."  Then, holding the tablets in my hands while they vibrated, she had me talk to her about examples of when I was these words.  It was weird doing it because, first of all, it was distracting with the pulsing in my hands back and forth, but also because I wouldn't normally describe myself in those terms, and even after talking about it "normally" without the tactile stimulation, I wouldn't necessarily believe that about myself, I left the appointment feeling lighter, and like I said, a little better about myself. 

I think I'm starting to realize that my previous ambivalence about this kind of therapy was simply a defense-mechanism and that maybe if I just continue to work it and accept this as a valid form of healing, this could really benefit me.  I hate to admit it, but I'm kind of hooked and I'm really looking forward to my next appointment.

Thoughtful Thursday

It was all about my parents today.  Yesterday, the phone rang and it was my mom.  I answered and she said, "Who is this?" I said it's [my name] and she replied, "oh I meant to call your sister."  I then asked if everything was okay and she told me that my grandmother has been in the hospital for congestive heart failure.  My mom never even bothered to call me.  I had to ask her three times what hospital my grandmother was at.  There was more, but I don't really want to go into it.  Suffice it to say that this was an obvious slight, since my younger brother, later that night, told me that she called him and my other brother to tell them.  She just didn't call me.  That really hurts.  My therapist thinks that they're punishing me and forcing me out of the family loop.  I'm really mourning that right now.  It really sucks.  And that's all I really feel like writing right now, so I'm going to end this here.

Affirmation - Do Something Contructive

Today's Affirmation from Daily Affirmations for Forgiving and Moving On by Tian Dayton:

Constructive Activity

I will do something constructive with my day. Sitting back and watching
my day disappear will not give me a good feeling about myself when I lay
my head down on my pillow tonight. There is always something
constructive to do in any given day. Today I will do it, not
procrastinate - I will do it. I may clean out a closet, write
correspondence, exercise or take on a new project-whatever it is, I will
start now. Constructive activity creates a pathway for the soul, it
builds on strength and positivity. Self-esteem comes from feeling myself
to be a useful and valuable person. When I am not constructive in my
day, I rob myself of that important source of self-confidence and
self-competence; then I am prey to negative influences. If I wish to
feel like a useful, vital person, I will need to act like one.

I begin a constructive activity now.

Three are three gates to . . . death of the soul: The gate of lust. The
gate of wrath. The gate of greed.
Bhagavad-Gita

I took this one to heart today and so far I've accomplished a lot.  What's more is that I found that my energy has increased.  I need to learn to force myself up off the couch and get that to-do list done.  The more I do, the more I want to do. I get on a roll and just keep on going.  What's more is that I feel a sense of "self-confidence and self-compentance."

(All content is used with the written permission of the author, Tian Dayton).

Thoughtful Thursday

My very nature is an oxymoron.  That's what this appointment was centered on.  Really, we talked about how I'm fragile, yet a tough cookie. I'm anxiety-ridden, yet courageous.  I'm talkative, yet afraid to reveal my feelings.  I'm caring, yet closed off.  I feel guilty, yet I'm non-apologetic. I'm an optimist and a pessimist. I'm patient and restless.  Intuitive and obtuse.  The list goes on. 

Yet I think that everyone can say that about themselves, if they look down deep inside enough.  There is no black and white when it comes to the human persona.  I've talked about this before. 

It helps, though, to realize that there are facets about myself that I need to change, for sure, but there are other facets there that I can be proud of.

And then we talked about EMDR and how it can help in more than one area.  Along with the trauma-healing piece, it can help me to relax and it can help with my self-esteem issues.  And both of these things will help down the line in the intimacy department.  That definitely makes me feel hopeful about the process, since I'm realizing that, like my personality, my issues around intimacy are also multi-faceted. If I could just get out of my own head, relax and feel good about myself, I'm sure it'd go a long way towards healing.

Rainbows

Just wanted to say that yesterday's EMDR appiontment had me drawing a rainbow. On a giant pad of paper. I had to choose colors that represent me with colored chalk. Ahem. 

We did do some visualization exercises as well.

These appointments really have me testing myself and my comfort level, for sure.

Embrace the Present

You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present. ~Jan Glidewell

Just a quick update...  I'm having a decent week and just trying to live in the moment.  Trying not to dwell on the past, trying to stop worrying about the future.  Just today.  Just breathing in and out in this moment.  No then, just now.  

Granted, it's not as easy as it sounds, but I'm practicing.  Someone gave me some advice once in a comment on this blog.  She said when I start focusing on the past or the future, I should sit, notice the things going on directly around me, in that moment in time, just to sit and take it in.  That's what I'm trying to do.  

My relationship with my husband is going a bit better, too.  We talked about living in the moment at therapy last week.  He was reading into my signs of affection too much and thinking that they weren't genuine because of things that either occurred in the past, or things he would anticipate were going to happen in the future.  For example, he'd think that I was affectionate because that's what I thought he wanted.  He thought this based on the fact that maybe I had shut him down earlier, or he was expecting me to shut him down later that day.  So by shutting me down when I tried to show him affection, he was essentially punishing me for wrongs in the past or anticipated wrongs.

Until I brought it up in therapy, I don't even think he realized that's what he was doing. So this week he's trying to accept my affection for what it is in that moment.  And I think it's working.  I've noticed that he's a lot more receptive to my attempts at showing him love. :)

Thoughtful Thursday

Things I realized from today's appointment:

• I'm afraid of the unknown
• I'm afraid of letting go; I keep a very tight reign on my emotions
• I'm afraid that this isn't going to work
• I'm afraid of failure 
• I'm a thinker and let my mind run away from me 
• I need to practice my breathing techniques/meditation in preparation for next week's appointment
• I need to give myself some positive thoughts: "This could work, this may work, this will work"

I've meditated before and I can do it again:  I remembered today that when I was 11 or 12 years old, I used to have a lot of trouble falling asleep at night because I had nightmares, so I'd look at my clock next to the bed and I'd count to 60 trying to hit 60 the moment that the clock changed numbers.  I'd do this until I fell asleep. My therapist said that that's a form of meditation, so I already have it in me.

I've decided to keep trying the EMDR and try to work my way through the fear and give it an honest shot.  I want to keep an open mind about it.

EMDR update

Bear with me while I try to sort out my feelings about my second EMDR appointment today.

I just don't know if it's going to work.  To say that it makes me uncomfortable is an understatement.  And so far all we've done is some breathing exercises.  Frankly I couldn't wait to get out of there.  There's just something about the whole thing that weirds me out. I don't know if it's a defense mechanism or that I'm just not cut out for the touchy-feely new-age kind of therapy.  I don't even know if I want to go back next week, although I should probably give it more of a chance than two appointments.  I was so tense and anxious when I was there.  It's probably a control thing, knowing me.  I have to let go and completely put my trust in this person and that is definitely not an easy thing for me to do.

This form of therapy is just not really my style, I guess.  I'm sure it's a great fit for some people, but for me, maybe not.  And she wants to try actual hypnosis on me to bring up all of my memories of the past.  Gah! Even the thought of that sends me into a panic.  I just don't know what to do.  I feel like crying because I really really want this to work for the sake of my marriage, but I just don't know if I can stand another appointment like I had today.

The struggle is worthwhile

It's not Saturday, but today's affirmation is so true and I couldn't help sharing it:

My Own Point of View

In my quiet moments I allow myself to fully entertain my own thoughts. I
learn and grow in layers. When I have come finally to decode what feels
like garbled data and to understand more clearly what I am seeing,
feeling and hearing, then I am ready to move through another layer. Some
days, learning how to live feels like too hard a struggle, but then I
consider the alternatives - living a hollow and meaningless life,
wasting or even resenting life, living stupidly and blundering
mindlessly along, living only on the surface, never letting anything or
anyone really touch or move me is certainly no easier. When I consider
the alternatives, it puts the struggle in perspective; I understand why
I carry on.

The struggle is worthwhile.

We do not receive wisdom, we must discover it for ourselves, after a
journey through the wilderness which no one else can make for us, which
no one can spare us, for our wisdom is the point of view from which we
come at last to regard the world.
Marcel Proust

This couldn't have come at a better time because I was feeling really discouraged earlier today after my PNP appointment.  I'm officially back on the Zoloft now, bringing me back up to three prescriptions and I was feeling really disheartened that I'm ever going to be able to either get off the meds completely or at least figure them out to the point where I'm feeling good again.   After reading today's affirmation, though, I realized that the struggle is worth it.  The alternative - not being true to who I am, struggling internally, not seeking help, pushing down my feelings or ignoring them altogether, just wasn't working anymore. So I'm proud of myself for taking action and trying to figure things out, even though I'm not there yet.  At least I'm moving in the right direction.

All affirmations are from Daily Affirmations for Forgiving and Moving On and are used with permission from the author Tian Dayton.