I'm Moving

I'm in the process of moving my blog to it's own domain.  My new site url is:

http://shebecamebutterfly.com

Please update your bookmarks... I'd hate to lose any of you. <3

It's my fault

I realized something yesterday at couple's therapy (which ended up being a highly emotional meeting for me because of the realization).  As much as the medication is regulating my moods and bringing me out of a severe depression, as much as my self-esteem has improved and as much as I'm learning how to set healthy boundaries, I still have a lot of shame around my abuse.  I still feel deep down inside that I'm partly to blame for what happened.  Because face it - I didn't do much to stop it.  All of the arguments to the contrary - that I was too young to understand, that my body's reaction to it was purely physiological, that I was younger than my brother and so I'm automatically "the victim" - all of these things feel like excuses.  Frankly I don't believe my therapists and others when they tell me otherwise.  Because face it, they weren't there.  I can tell myself till I'm blue in the face that it wasn't my fault, but deep down inside I don't believe it.  And that makes it really hard to live with myself.  No wonder I have intimacy issues.  I feel gross and tainted inside.

I don't really know what to do about this. 

My Christmas Wish List

Christmas has historically been a hard time for me.  I used to be such and idealist about the holiday.  One year I tried to save up all my change so that I could get my little sister one of those play kitchens.  Half way through the year, though, my parents took over the jar with the change and used it for something else (I can't remember what).  Another year I made letters from elves and left them on my sister's pillow.  I think that got an eyeroll.  Presents I got never seemed to be good enough.  Christmas was a time of feeling like I wasn't living up to expectations and feeling guilty for one reason or another.

When I got older, and started my own family and traditions, I'd try to include my family every single year and every single year they'd bail on me.  But I'd keep inviting them.  Year after year. And every year I'd spend Christmas day slightly depressed and disillusioned, not to mention feeling guilty that my parents spent Christmas Eve alone. My ideals just couldn't be reached.

Last year I told them not to even bother pretending that they were going to come because honestly, I couldn't take it anymore.  So this year, at least, when I sent out the invitation and they didn't respond, I asked my mom if that meant she wasn't coming and at least she was honest with me, even if she still made some lame excuse.  I'm trying to be different in how I react to it this year, at least. 

It's my parents choice to stay home on Christmas Eve.  There's nothing for me to feel guilty about.  All I can do is my best to include them, and just enjoy the family I have (my in-laws) around me.  I will try not to let expectations get the better of me and just enjoy the holiday for what it is.  I will enjoy my kids and revel in the wonder and excitement they experience.

And I will view my visit to my parents on Christmas morning (and seeing my brother) as nothing more than a bump in the road.  I will not let it ruin my day. I will get through it. 

My own affirmations

I have power.  I am in control over my own life.  I am a grown woman who can take care of herself.  I am capable. I can trust my instincts.  I have feelings.  It is my choice to confront my past mistakes or let them go.  Although I will not settle for mediocrity, I can accept who I am as a person and accept my strengths and weaknesses.  I am who I am and there is no reason I should pretend to be someone or something else.  People will accept me for who I am, and if they don't, they have no purpose or place in my life.  And I can accept that not everyone will like me.  

(These are the things we covered today at EMDR.)

Tough Decisions

Recently my husband was offered a position in... let's just say a "warmer state." We have about a month to decide.  We haven't even told anyone yet because we're not sure we're going to actually accept and take the leap.  But my first instinct is a resounding YES! It's warmer, obviously, than the climate I live in right now (North), it's far away from my family, the cost of living is less, the lifestyle is much more laid-back and outdoorsy, it's warmer, we could get more house for the money, we could start from scratch and reinvent ourselves... it's warmer... Without taking into consideration whether or not it's the best move for my husband's career, I'd do it in a heartbeat. 

At least I thought I would until today's couple's therapy session.  I (begrudgingly) admit she made a very good point: I'm working really hard towards my recovery and I've come so far, but still have a ways to go.  If I moved down there I'd have to start from scratch with new doctors, new therapists, new friends, new experiences, you name it.  Do I really want to jump into something this life-changing when I just came out of a depression so deep I actually had thoughts of ending my own life? I feel so good right now, so much better, so much healthier and so much more grounded than I've been in a long time, possibly than I've ever felt in my life, but what is a life change of this magnitude going to do to my mental health state?

The timing just really stinks because it's always been my dream to move South and now that it could actually happen, I don't know if it's really the right thing to do.  As much as it kills me to admit that.

Comments

Just a quick post to note that I realized my comments section (disqus) wasn't working and I fixed it. At least I hope so. LOL So comment away! I always love hearing from you. :)

Mindfulness

“Mindfulness means 

paying attention in a particular way;

On purpose,

in the present moment, 

and nonjudgmentally.”

~Jon Kabat-Zinn

I've been really trying hard to put this way of thinking into practice lately.  To me mindfulness means taking a step back from life, observing what is going on around me and feeling grateful to be having that particular experience.  It's like when you get married and everyone tells you at the wedding to stop and take it in, really appreciate it, because it all goes by so fast. 

Now that I've figured this out, relate it to it that way, it makes it easier to put living in the present into perspective and practice.  Life is too short to be looking behind or looking forward all the time.  Life is all about one present moment after another.  We have to stop and appreciate those moments as they come.

"Mindfulness is simply being aware of what is happening right now without wishing it were different; enjoying the pleasant without holding on when it changes (which it will); being with the unpleasant without fearing it will always be this way (which it won’t).” – James Baraz" 

"Few of us ever live in the present. We are forever anticipating what is to come or remembering what has gone." — Louis L'Amour

Thoughtful Thursday

I didn't have regular therapy today so instead I thought I'd write about EMDR yesterday.  If you can't tell, I can be rather... skeptical about treatment options, especially when it's not exactly traditional medicine.  That's why, I think, I'm so surprised about how I feel after every EMDR appointment. 

Yesterday we talked about my memories about what happened with my brother and how I don't know what's memory and what's imagined, because some of the facts just don't line up with what I remember, if that makes any sense.  Well, talking about it got me feeling really anxious.  Racing heart, sweaty palms, tightness in the chest and shoulders, the whole nine yards. 

The therapist suggested a quasi-impromptu EMDR session while thinking about my anxiety and what happened in the past. I followed her finger as she moved it back and forth (called bilateral stimulation), while I focused on my feelings and just kind of let whatever came up, come up.  We did about three sets and first of all, watching that finger go back and forth across my line of vision is very hypnotic.  I swear I was about to fall asleep. 

Secondly, and for the life of me I can't tell you why, I felt better.  The anxiety was almost non-existant in a short five minute session.  And it really hasn't been back since.  Granted, it's only been a little over 24 hours, but still... I came out of the session feeling like a weight had been lifted off of me and I felt lighter.

I know I'm a long way off from feeling comfortable in my own skin sexually, but yesterday's session, I think, was one more step in the right direction. The therapist is going to call my regular therapist this week and ask her if she thinks I'm ready to move on to more hard-core stuff. 

Thoughtful Thursday

I'm really not sure what to write about today. LOL.  Things have kind of been going okay. 

EMDR yesterday was more like a regular therapy appointment because we talked for most of the session.  We did do some self-esteem work with the hand "tappers."  The target words were "Intelligent" and "Independent Thinker." Basically she'd have me reflect on the word and then talk about a time when I demonstrated that word.  For intelligent, I described how well I did in college and how I made good grades through sheer force of will.  For independent thinker, I kind of used the same example in that I described how I decided to go to college after taking a few years off, even though I didn't get much (if any) encouragement from my parents.  I decided on my own that that's what I wanted to do and made it happen. 

At couple's therapy, the therapist suggested that it might help if my husband and I watch a video together, called "Rehealing Touch, Healing Techniques for Couples." We haven't watched it yet, but we plan on it.

Today at regular therapy, we talked more about my "issues" around sex. Specifically, how I view sex as an means to an end - to get something I want - rather than as a physical expression of love.  Even the term "making love" gives me the creeps.  The therapist thinks (and I agree) that this is because of two things: 1) I was taught in my family that sex was only for procreation; love had very little to do with it, and it certainly wasn't to be enjoyed (that would be just sinful!) and 2) My brother would let me borrow something of his after (if you get what I mean). 

The difficult part for me, is that even knowing these things,  even with all the growth I've gone through recently, and even with having my meds all straightened out so that I'm mentally feeling better, not much if anything has changed in the sex department.  I could even argue that it's gotten worse. Sigh.  So that's frustrating and discouraging.  I just need to tell myself to be patient with the EMDR work and hope to God that it works.