I'm Moving

I'm in the process of moving my blog to it's own domain.  My new site url is:

http://shebecamebutterfly.com

Please update your bookmarks... I'd hate to lose any of you. <3

It's my fault

I realized something yesterday at couple's therapy (which ended up being a highly emotional meeting for me because of the realization).  As much as the medication is regulating my moods and bringing me out of a severe depression, as much as my self-esteem has improved and as much as I'm learning how to set healthy boundaries, I still have a lot of shame around my abuse.  I still feel deep down inside that I'm partly to blame for what happened.  Because face it - I didn't do much to stop it.  All of the arguments to the contrary - that I was too young to understand, that my body's reaction to it was purely physiological, that I was younger than my brother and so I'm automatically "the victim" - all of these things feel like excuses.  Frankly I don't believe my therapists and others when they tell me otherwise.  Because face it, they weren't there.  I can tell myself till I'm blue in the face that it wasn't my fault, but deep down inside I don't believe it.  And that makes it really hard to live with myself.  No wonder I have intimacy issues.  I feel gross and tainted inside.

I don't really know what to do about this. 

My Christmas Wish List

Christmas has historically been a hard time for me.  I used to be such and idealist about the holiday.  One year I tried to save up all my change so that I could get my little sister one of those play kitchens.  Half way through the year, though, my parents took over the jar with the change and used it for something else (I can't remember what).  Another year I made letters from elves and left them on my sister's pillow.  I think that got an eyeroll.  Presents I got never seemed to be good enough.  Christmas was a time of feeling like I wasn't living up to expectations and feeling guilty for one reason or another.

When I got older, and started my own family and traditions, I'd try to include my family every single year and every single year they'd bail on me.  But I'd keep inviting them.  Year after year. And every year I'd spend Christmas day slightly depressed and disillusioned, not to mention feeling guilty that my parents spent Christmas Eve alone. My ideals just couldn't be reached.

Last year I told them not to even bother pretending that they were going to come because honestly, I couldn't take it anymore.  So this year, at least, when I sent out the invitation and they didn't respond, I asked my mom if that meant she wasn't coming and at least she was honest with me, even if she still made some lame excuse.  I'm trying to be different in how I react to it this year, at least. 

It's my parents choice to stay home on Christmas Eve.  There's nothing for me to feel guilty about.  All I can do is my best to include them, and just enjoy the family I have (my in-laws) around me.  I will try not to let expectations get the better of me and just enjoy the holiday for what it is.  I will enjoy my kids and revel in the wonder and excitement they experience.

And I will view my visit to my parents on Christmas morning (and seeing my brother) as nothing more than a bump in the road.  I will not let it ruin my day. I will get through it. 

My own affirmations

I have power.  I am in control over my own life.  I am a grown woman who can take care of herself.  I am capable. I can trust my instincts.  I have feelings.  It is my choice to confront my past mistakes or let them go.  Although I will not settle for mediocrity, I can accept who I am as a person and accept my strengths and weaknesses.  I am who I am and there is no reason I should pretend to be someone or something else.  People will accept me for who I am, and if they don't, they have no purpose or place in my life.  And I can accept that not everyone will like me.  

(These are the things we covered today at EMDR.)

Tough Decisions

Recently my husband was offered a position in... let's just say a "warmer state." We have about a month to decide.  We haven't even told anyone yet because we're not sure we're going to actually accept and take the leap.  But my first instinct is a resounding YES! It's warmer, obviously, than the climate I live in right now (North), it's far away from my family, the cost of living is less, the lifestyle is much more laid-back and outdoorsy, it's warmer, we could get more house for the money, we could start from scratch and reinvent ourselves... it's warmer... Without taking into consideration whether or not it's the best move for my husband's career, I'd do it in a heartbeat. 

At least I thought I would until today's couple's therapy session.  I (begrudgingly) admit she made a very good point: I'm working really hard towards my recovery and I've come so far, but still have a ways to go.  If I moved down there I'd have to start from scratch with new doctors, new therapists, new friends, new experiences, you name it.  Do I really want to jump into something this life-changing when I just came out of a depression so deep I actually had thoughts of ending my own life? I feel so good right now, so much better, so much healthier and so much more grounded than I've been in a long time, possibly than I've ever felt in my life, but what is a life change of this magnitude going to do to my mental health state?

The timing just really stinks because it's always been my dream to move South and now that it could actually happen, I don't know if it's really the right thing to do.  As much as it kills me to admit that.

Comments

Just a quick post to note that I realized my comments section (disqus) wasn't working and I fixed it. At least I hope so. LOL So comment away! I always love hearing from you. :)

Mindfulness

“Mindfulness means 

paying attention in a particular way;

On purpose,

in the present moment, 

and nonjudgmentally.”

~Jon Kabat-Zinn

I've been really trying hard to put this way of thinking into practice lately.  To me mindfulness means taking a step back from life, observing what is going on around me and feeling grateful to be having that particular experience.  It's like when you get married and everyone tells you at the wedding to stop and take it in, really appreciate it, because it all goes by so fast. 

Now that I've figured this out, relate it to it that way, it makes it easier to put living in the present into perspective and practice.  Life is too short to be looking behind or looking forward all the time.  Life is all about one present moment after another.  We have to stop and appreciate those moments as they come.

"Mindfulness is simply being aware of what is happening right now without wishing it were different; enjoying the pleasant without holding on when it changes (which it will); being with the unpleasant without fearing it will always be this way (which it won’t).” – James Baraz" 

"Few of us ever live in the present. We are forever anticipating what is to come or remembering what has gone." — Louis L'Amour