Affirmations Saturday - Silent Communication

Today's Affirmation from Daily Affirmations for Forgiving and Moving On by Tian Dayton:

Silent Communication

I am not an island onto myself. Isolating myself from those I am
intimate with is impossible. All I accomplish through this self-imposed
separation is the illusion of isolation. I share space with those who
are close to me. Each of us knows what is going on, each of us feels the
atmosphere of the other. I will be willing to know how I affect people
today on both a verbal and, even more important, on a nonverbal level. I
will take responsibility not only for what I say, but for who I am in
the alive and vibrating feeling atmosphere around me. The atmosphere
around me is alive and carries my silent message to all whom I
encounter; it is what others I am in relationship with know and live
with.

I own what I think and feel.

Now if you apply the wave-particle metaphor to human relationship and
think that we are both particle, individuals in our own space and time
and waves, things that can overlap and combine with others, then you
have a basis for seeing how we could get "into" relationships with other
people. ~Dianne Zohar

 Wow... this one is very appropriate for me lately.  I haven't talked about it much (or in any detail anyway) out of respect for my husband, but we've been having a lot of issues in the intimacy department.  And I'm not just talking in terms of sex, I'm talking intimacy in every sense of the word. 

I think it's because I'm afraid any intimacy will lead to that intimacy. And that intimacy makes me want to fight, to push him away, to run, to get angry, to want to lose control, and I hate losing control.  Has it always been this way? Sort of.  It's always been there to some degree, but I used to be able to squash it down, battle through it and hide it.  Now for whatever reason, I can't hide that visceral reaction.  And that lack of control makes me even more angry.  A vicious circle.  Hence signing up for EMDR therapy (GOD I hope that works!!).

Anyway, getting back to the affirmation... it's saying that isolation isn't a one way street.  That I may be isolating myself from my husband, but it doesn't go unnoticed by him, it hurts him and it's hurting me as well.  When I think that I'm simply distancing myself from him to withhold sex, I'm damaging much more than our sex life.  I need to remind myself that intimacy is so much more than sex, something I accuse my husband of thinking all the time. I need to take responsibility for my own bias.  A relationship can't be one sided and I'm short changing myself and my husband by taking such a myopic view, just because of my own neurosis.  I need to practice being initimate in different ways, opening myself up and allowing vulnerability.  If I trust him the way I say I do, I should feel safe letting that vulnerability come through. 

This is something I definitely need to think about this week... because I'm not sure I do feel safe opening myself up to him and being vulnerable, because the bias is there and I'm afraid that vulnerability and intimacy is going to lead down that one path.  And I don't think I could stand having that instinctual reaction toward the man that I love again.  And that's not giving my husband any credit at all.  This is something that needs work, for sure.

Let it go, Let it out

I don't often post twice in one day but I just stumbled upon a beautiful poem that really speaks to me and I just had to share.  I keep reading it over and over again, and I'm sure you will, too.

God bless this tiny little boat
And me who travels in it.
It stays afloat for years and years
And sinks within a minute.

And so the soul in which we sail,
Unknown by years of thinking,
Is deeply felt and understood
The minute that it's sinking.

When the heart
Is cut or cracked or broken
Do not clutch it
Let the wound lie open.

Let the wind
From the good old sea blow in
To bathe the wound with salt
And let it sting.

Let a stray dog lick it
Let a bird lean in the hole and sing
A simple song like a tiny bell
And let it ring.

Let it go, let it out.
Let it all unravel.
Let it free and it can be
A path on which to travel.

~Michael Leunig, The Prayer Tree

Funny

I just wanted to share something that I found kind of funny.   Navigating through the mental health system can be really frustrating at times.  I can't remember if I ever explained why I switched from one Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner to another.  Besides the fact that the first one diagnosed me with ADD, and put me on a dose of Prozac so high it had me manic, she disappeared out of thin air back in May, right as I was in that crisis.  So my therapist referred me to someone new and I moved on, was diagnosed with Bipolar II, yada yada yada. 

Fast forward to yesterday, just as I was getting out of my first EMDR consultation.  The phone rings, the number looks vaguely familiar, so I pick it up and it's the PNP that disappeared!  Not so much as a phone call before yesterday.  And the kicker is that she acted like nothing ever happened.  Over six months go by and she says, "Hi there, I was just calling to check to see if you're still on your meds and how that's all going."

Um... yeah.  So I told her that I had a new PNP and she acted all surprised.  Like I was really going to wait around for her to come back from her little unannounced sabbatical.

And then today it gets even better.  Last week at couples therapy my husband and I were expressing frustration with the status of my medications and how no one can quite get the right dosage/combination for me.  How I haven't felt right in a very long time.  So the therapist suggested that maybe it's time to see a Psychiatrist - a medical doctor trained in this sort of thing.

So I made the phone call and his assistant called me back a little while ago.  She was the most condescending person I've ever had the pleasure of talking to.  I don't know if she just assumes that whoever calls has the intelligence of a five year old, or they're all crazy, or both.  But I was explaining to her what the problem was - how the meds just don't seem to be working right - and she said, "Well, you just need to tell her that the meds aren't working so she can try something else." No shit lady.  You don't think I haven't already tried that several times?? So I also explained that my PNP goes to Florida over the winter and I need to get my meds straightened out before that.  She repeated what I said, in the most patronizing tone, "You need to get that taken care of then before she leaves." Uh, yeah, that's why I'm calling you guys asshole.

 I don't need someone's patronizing assistant who doesn't know me from a hole in the wall telling me how to handle my medical condition.  Just make me the damned appointment please.  

I think I just made myself more frustrated writing this post than I was before. LOL Maybe I should quit while I'm ahead.

Thoughtful Thursday

Well, I've hit a new record: I'm now seeing three - yes, three - therapists.  One normal, one EMDR and one couples therapist.  Yikes.  Hopefully the EMDR is just a temporary measure; I'm told that this type of therapy usually works rather quickly.  Otherwise I think that I'm going to have to give up one, just because even though I have insurance, going to three therapists and a psychiatric nurse practitioner is getting pretty damned expensive, not to mention time consuming.

Today's appointment with my 'regular' therapist was spent talking about my family and the dynamics and a little about my upbringing.  It's funny that we haven't really talked about that in a while.  I think it's because of the upcoming holidays; this is a very stressful time of year for me historically.

We talked about my older brother being the "golden child" in the family and how much that upsets me because I always tried to be that and never quite cut it.  I have to learn to let that go, because it's never going to happen, especially as a female, in my family.

We also talked about my upcoming EMDR appointment (therapy at 10:00 EMDR consult at 12:00) and how nervous I was about that.  Not nervous as much as scared shitless. I'm terrified that this isn't going to work and that I'll be no closer to a resolution to my intimacy issues.  She helped to realize that I have to view it more as a step in the right direction and not put all my eggs in one emotional basket. Regardless of the outcome, at least I keep trying to figure it out, whereas some people would just accept the status quo and never end up fixing the problem. 

So after that, I headed to my EMDR consultation.  She described what EMDR can do if it's successful.  It takes a traumatic experience, loaded with shame, from the right (emotional) side of the brain and somehow transfers that memory or experience to the left (logical) side of the brain.  That way, your logical side can say, hey, you did the best you could under the circumstances and there's no shame in that.  Then you can move forward and be at peace with whatever happened in your past.

She said that this type of therapy is very hard work, and not your every-day run-of-the-mill counseling session.  It brings past trauma dangerously close to the surface and forces you to face it and live through it again in order to be able to let it go.  That scares the shit of me...

Both therapists told me today that I'm very courageous for doing this, for working three types of therapies and getting my meds under control.  I don't see it as courageous at all.  I see myself at a point of sheer desperation.  Then again,

Desperation is the raw material of drastic change. Only those who can leave behind everything they have ever believed in can hope to escape. ~William S. Burroughs

Mood Tracking

Just a couple of notes:

I started the Zoloft again... I'm hoping it brings me out of this funk I'm in all of a sudden.  I still have an appointment with the PNP on Monday, but I'm thinking about taking the couple's therapist's advice and calling the psychiatrist for a consultation.  In fact, I'm definitely going to call today.  Him and the EMDR specialist.  I just have to make the calls and get it over with.  How dumb am I that I feel like I'll be cheating on the PNP, though, by calling the psychiatrist? Sigh...

I found this great website for mood tracking.  It's for people with Depression or Bipolar, but you can pretty much use it for tracking anything, like PMS or  whatever.  Then you can print it out and show it to your therapist/doctor to show them exactly how you've been feeling.  It also takes into consideration your sleep habits, exercise, whether you remembered to take your meds, etc.  If you think you could use such a tool, definitely check it out:

http://www.moodtracker.com/

Affirmations Saturday

Today's Affirmation from Daily Affirmations for Forgiving and Moving On by Tian Dayton:

Losing My Life To Find It

Today I see that in spiritual growth I lose my life to find it. This is
just the opposite of establishing my identity in a worldly way, which
lies in surrounding myself with things that I want to represent me. In
this way I define and seek a sense of self through representation. I
know now that I cannot find me in a reflection of myself. When I do
this, my eyes are constantly focused outward, and I forget that it is
through an inner gazing that I come to know who I am and what life is
all about. The sense of loss I may experience when I cease looking for
my true identity in objects outside myself disappears when I look within
for my life and meaning.

I let go of my smaller self to know my larger self.

In my end is my beginning. ~T. S. Eliot

This one is great for me.  I used to be the epitome of being "focused outward." It's something I've had to work on a lot.  Until recently, I was what others wanted me to be.  I had no self-identity.  In becoming "myself" I had to do a lot of introspection and soul-searching.  Some people may even say that I've become selfish and they don't recognize me.  For the first time in my life, I have a backbone and I'm not afraid to voice an opinion.  Something as simple as saying, "No, I didn't like that food/book/movie" was extremely difficult.  I'm not quite there yet, but I'm a lot better than I used to be.

What this says is that I have to continue looking inward to discover who I am, instead of looking for "me" in other people.  Who I am inside is so much more important than the person I see reflected in others' eyes.  It doesn't mean that I don't have a need for approval at all, but the opinion should come from myself first and foremost.

I found another quote that speaks to this affirmation,

A man travels the world over in search of what he needs and returns home to find it.  ~George Moore

(All content is used with the written permission of the author, Tian Dayton).

Thoughtful Thursday

Back from my therapy appointment.  We talked about my severe depression returning and my quasi-suicidal thoughts.  She thinks that my bipolar tendencies make it hard for me to transition from one thing to another - as in, the transition between vacation and being home.  But she told me to definitely call the PNP if it gets any worse.

We also talked about my intimacy issues.  A less-than ideal sexual experience early on can make it hard for someone to have a normal sex life later on.  That's what she thinks I'm dealing with here.  The anger I feel is me putting up boundaries because boundaries were violated earlier in life. 

She gave me two options for dealing with this - sex therapy with my husband, because it really is a couple's issue.  The other option is something called EMDR, which from what I understand is a little like hypnosis.  Apparently it helps people with traumatic experiences - not to forget or erase the memories, but to help them deal with them.  She says she's not sure how it works but the brain almost changes neurologically.

So the first option kind of puts the responsibility on both of us as a couple, but the second kind of puts the onus on just me, as in, this is all my fault.  I don't really care which is the case.  Honestly, I'm ready and willing to try just about anything because I'm at a point of desperation. At least both types of therapy are covered by insurance.

Does anyone out there have any experiences in either of types of therapy? I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Stop the roller-coaster, I want to get off

I'm still feeling really down and I'm not quite sure why.  I'm really hoping that this doesn't mean another med change because if it does I think I'll truly go insane.  I'm hoping it's just a temporary letdown returning to the "real world" after a vacation.  Also, this time of year always gets me down.  I'm a warm-weather fan and where I am it starts getting cold right about now and it reminds me that a harsh winter and low-sunlight is right around the corner. 

To explain where I am right now, I feel like my whole life is one big chore after another.  God, even writing that is redundant.  I'm so fed up with my life the way it is.  I'm just a miserable person, I guess. And to think, I used to regard myself as an optimist.

But the more pressing thing is, why the hell am I going through these mood swings again?  I thought the mood stabilizers were supposed to take care of this!  Will I go to the PNP and have her up my dose once again only to have this letdown several weeks later? Not to mention the fact that I just went off the Zoloft... am going to be riding this roller-coaster for the rest of my life?  It's almost to much to bear thinking about.  

Book Review: Get Me Out of Here

Get Me Out of Here: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder by Rachel Reiland

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Putting her diagnosis aside, this book gives insight to the workings and process of psychotherapy, from the perspective of the patient. Many times throughout the book I found myself saying, "Wow, that's exactly what I've thought." Albeit wordy and over-dramatic at times, if you want to know what the therapeutic process is like, this book is dead on.

View all my reviews

Memorable quotes:

Love isn't something to be earned, it's something to be given.

Anything you've managed to do in your life has been like climbing a mountain with a two-hundred pound weight on your back.  How could I not respect that?

You can accept the childlike nature of your own children, but you can't accept it in yourself.  Someday you will, Rachel. Someday you will.

Now I was not just filled with self-loathing and anger, but also despair.  The bubble had been irrevocably burst, and I feared my vulnerability.  I began to wonder if any feelings or beliefs I had were genuine or if everything was an illusion.

In one year everything that I thought I believed had been challenged.  And I began to wonder if I could ever believe anything again.

---

"Miracles," he said, "stop the chain. Miracles turn it around.  The miracle of love.  The miracle of forgiveness.  The miracle of a change of heart.  No one can force these miracles on anyone else - not even God.  It's called free will.  We can choose to be open to these miracles, or we can choose to keep our hearts closed and run from them out of fear. It's an individual choice."

A miracle.  Stopping the chain.  I could not rewrite the past or change history.  But I could change the future.

"So what you're saying then is that I can't stop what my parents did or their parents did, but I can stop it from happening to my kids."

Affirmations Sunday

Today's Affirmation from Daily Affirmations for Forgiving and Moving On by Tian Dayton:

Today I am aware that it is more difficult to let go of a painful,
dysfunctional situation or relationship than a happy, healthy one. When
a relationship or situation is going wrong, I become entangled in the
mess, always feeling that if I did just a little bit more, if I tried a
little harder, if I changed something . . . then it would work. When I
come from this insecure place, it really never does work out . . . all
of my frantic efforts only serve to complicate an already complicated
situation and my best intentions fall on deaf ears. Letting go does not
mean losing; it simply means that I am willing for change to occur.
Sometimes the change is so subtle I only know it took place because I
feel better; sometimes it is more pronounced.

I can let go and allow movement to occur.

If error is corrected whenever it is recognized as such, the path of
error is the path of truth. ~Hans Reichenbach

This is something I really struggle with.  Letting go.  How do I do that? That's what I want to know.  I can tell myself all I want to let go, but it's all I can think about.  In fact, I do this all the time in my marriage: I try to change things and it only serves to make the frustration and resentment fester when things don't turn out the way I want them to.  I know it's dysfunctional and I know that it's faulty, yet deep down no matter how much I tell myself that I am going to let it go, I don't.

She makes it seem so simple (and I say this with a wry laugh).

I guess what she's saying is that the key is to just stop trying to change things.  Give up control of the situation. Let things just be. Even if the only change that happens is that I am a little more at peace because I stop trying to control things I can't. Trying to change a person or a situation only serves to make one more resentful when they don't because the only thing a person can change is him/herself.

(All content is used with the written permission of the author, Tian Dayton).

It just goes on and on

Sorry I wasn't around last week... I was on vacation.  I had a great time on vacation, but now that I'm back, I'm feeling really low and depressed. Sounds kind of weird, right? I think it's just the letdown of being back to reality.  It makes me take a look at my everyday life and realize that I'm just not happy with it. Today I'm looking to the future and it looks bleak.  Day after day of the same old crap.  Cleaning, cooking, being a slave to my kids, working, day after day, month after month, year after year until I die.  It sounds really harsh, and I hate even mentioning my kids in the mix, but being anonymous gives me the luxury of being brutally honest. On the other hand, I think about the alternative to not working, not taking care of the kids, not cleaning and cooking... and I don't know what would make me happy.  I have no idea what my purpose is in life if it's not this.  And that also depresses the hell out of me. There's nothing I can change that will make me appreciate my life for what it is.  And if someone knows how I can do that, I'm open to suggestions.  So there's that.  Not to mention the fact that I can back to cold, dreary weather.  I'm just feeling really hopeless about it all today. I wonder if I can continue going on like this.

Thoughtful Thursday

Today's appointment was focused mainly on my mother, which I won't bore you with, but at the end we did touch on something unrelated that I wanted to share here, so I can look back on it and feel proud of myself:

Earlier this week I basically told someone off for taking advantage of me (those few readers who know me in real life know what I'm talking about).  I, like my husband likes to say, told them "where the dog died."  I did it without even really thinking about it, which is huge, and it could have turned out really bad (which honestly is what I was expecting), but instead it earned me a lot of respect from this person.  I didn't even give it much thought until my therapist asked me about it, and she was just blown away.  She's right, I wouldn't have even dreamed about doing something like that a year ago.  Not even maybe six months ago.  And here I am, doing it like it's something I've always done. 

Like she said, sometimes having someone's respect is better than having them like you.  And I will take that one step further and say that having self-respect is better than having people like me. :)

Just checking in

Hey there.  I just wanted to check with a progress report.  I saw my PNP on Monday and we're still tweaking the meds.  Staying the same on the Lamictal, but I went up to 5mg on the Abilify.  I told her that the irritability was better, but that I still didn't feel quite there yet. I still feel that I could be a little better.  Have a little more gumption and energy.  So that's why she increased the Abilify.  I think that this'll be good.  Now I'm simply trying to work on the self-esteem issues, and on forgiveness for past wrongs. 

I still struggle with forgiveness and I'm hoping that by embracing the pain in my past that I can learn to let it go.  I've been reading a lot on the subject, and trying to live in the moment.  I know it takes time and practice and I have to remind myself to cut me some slack, so to speak.  I'm trying to "parent myself," as I talked about in last Thursday's post. Mainly by literally giving myself a lecture in my brain everytime I put myself down. Thinking things like, "It's not a big deal, everyone makes mistakes," and things along those lines.

In summary, I think that now that I'm feeling (almost) cured of the depression and irritability, I can star working on changing other things.  Now the real work begins.  And I'm thinking that my posts will now start taking on a more optimistic vibe. I know that you're probably just as relieved as I am about that.

Affirmations Saturday

I'm starting a new weekly blog post called "Affirmations Saturday."  All affirmations come from this book: Daily Affirmations for Forgiving and Moving On, by Tian Dayton, PhD.  I highly recommend reading this book on daily basis.  Her daily affirmations are practical yet very powerful and I know that they're really going to help me out.

This is the affirmation for October 2:

Deap Fears
Today I accept that life is a painful teacher.  Perhaps more than anything else, I see my deepest fears manifest in my life.  It is almost as if I create those situations continually until I learn to take the charge out of them for myself.  The painful part of the experiment is to know which part of what I see is real and which is a manifestation of my fears and is therefore partially illusionary.  When my fears come out in life, they look bigger and scarier than ever.  Though they are frightening enough in my dreams, when they manifest in my day-to-day reality, I feel them and that can be terrifying.  I understand today that I can survive my feelings - they are not all of me. 

I will dispel my deepest fears with love and acceptance.

A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience. ~Miguel de Cervantes

To me this affirmation means that my past experiences can effect how I perceive things today, and those past experiences can arouse scary and vulnerable feelings.  When I feel the fear in these situations, the fear may not be altogether realistic.  What I need to do is accept those vulnerable feelings as being a part of who I am and to love myself despite of those feelings.   Through love and acceptance, I can survive these feelings and learn to move on.